Tag Archives: psychology

Virtually Aroused — Is It Enough?

Blog, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

For Superbowl Sunday, some churches in the US are designating today Porn Sunday, and many will be showing a video sermon with NFL players talking about how porn has messed up their lives. Questions involving porn addiction are common among the agony aunts these days, often involving the porn addiction of a lover and the resulting lack of sex in the relationship.Wednesday night on Ch 4’s series, ‘The Joy of Teen Sex,’ teen journalist, Billie J D Porter, discussed with her peers and with a psychologist, the implications of technology in teen sex, including chat rooms and porn addictions.

Sex demands something of the participants. Granted the returns are not always equal and there are always risks, sometimes terrible risks – emotionally and physically. I’ve always said that erotica is the ultimate safe sex, but even the reading of an erotic story is a two-way exchange demanding something of the reader. But I wonder if maybe the real problem with virtual sex and having porn so readily available online is that the sex provided is TOO safe, hermetically sealed sex, sex without the Other.  

I’m the first to say ‘yay’ to sex for one. I think masturbation is the cornerstone of healthy a sex life and everyone deserves a little self pleasure. But when sex for one is once-removed through the power of technology, and we’re left with sex that demands nothing of us other than showing up in front of the monitor, sex itself is declawed, disempowered, bloodless.  Even in more participatory situations, like chat rooms, the virtual world is by its very nature a closed environment where sex occurs in isolation. No one gets hurt, no one gets dirty, no one has to engage with the wet ware and the messiness that goes along with it.  

When sex is no risk, no mess, no fuss, then the urge for more and more can hardly come as a surprise, nor can the blurring of the lines between the real and the virtual. We’re beings of flesh and blood. Reality is the mess of it all we live in. But the mess doesn’t come without its fringe benefits, rough and tumble, primal body benefits that make us human, make us connected to ourselves and to each other. I can’t help but feel that by taking the flesh and blood, brain and brawn mess out of sex, virtual reality has made sex too predictable, too safe to ever possibly be enough for our true animal nature, and our large, needy brains. We were never intended to be sexual couch potatoes, and more will never be enough unless at least some of it is real.

A Peek at The Pet Shop

Blog, New Releases, News, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Pet Shop now has a cover! And the fabulous folks at Xcite Books have assured me the rest is not far behind.  Here is just a glimpse of what you can expect when you open that cover. 

In appreciation for a job well done, STELLA JAMES ‘s boss sends her a Pet for the weekend – a human Pet. The mischievous TINO comes straight from THE PET SHOP complete with a collar, a leash, and an erection. Stella soon discovers that the pleasure of keeping Pets, especially this one, is extremely addicting.

Obsessed with Tino and with the reclusive philanthropist, VINCENT EVANSTON, who looks like Tino, but couldn’t be more different, Stella is drawn into the secret world of The Pet Shop. As her animal lust awakens, Stella must walk the thin line that separates the business of pleasure from the more dangerous business of the heart or suffer the consequences.

A  Peek Inside 

Wet and cold, Stella was trembling hard enough that is was an effort not to spill the cocoa. ‘You’re Tino, aren’t you?’ She spoke between chattering teeth.                       

His back stiffened slightly, then relaxed again as he continued to dig through his pack. ‘I’m Vincent.’

She sat the cup down next to her and chafed her arms. ‘I know you’re Vincent, Vincent Evanston, but you’re Tino. I mean he’s you, isn’t he?’

He turned on her quickly and grabbed her shoulders so that she feared he would shake her. Instead he began to chafe her arms, his dark eyes locked on hers. ‘I told you, Tino’s not here.’ 

‘But I — ’

He swallowed up her words in an open-mouth kiss, taking her breath away, taking away her ability to think with the heat of it, the expressive depth of it. He bit her lip as he pulled back, still holding her gaze. ‘Tino’s not here,’ he repeated. His voice held the tiniest edge of warning.

Abstinence, and Why Men Watch Porn

Blog, , , , , , , , ,

Last week there was a programme on Channel One called ‘Why Men Watch Porn.’ The short answer, as one reviewer put it, is to have a wank. No surprise there. But there was one conclusion that I found very interesting. In a survey of a thousand men in the UK, the ones who seemed to watch and enjoy porn most were the ones who were most creative and most empathetic. I’m not sure how the researchers went about testing creativity or empathy or what actually led to the conclusion, but it made perfect sense to me once I’d thought about it.

 Porn isn’t exactly known for its creativity nor for its empathetic characters. Perhaps that’s exactly why it appeals to the creative and the empathetic. It serves as a template. The watcher fills in the blanks. However, if a person isn’t good at letting the imagination take control to put him in a similar situation, but one more personally arousing, then porn remains just a template and isn’t all that interesting.

 In a totally unrelated study, the American Psychology Association’s Journal of Family Psychology reports that couples who abstain from sex before marriage report having better relationships. According to the study, couples who have sex early in their relationship often confuse lust and the emotions associated with it for a genuine personal connection. Some people claim they feel it’s important to have sex with a person right away to make sure they are compatible. But having good sex is a learnable skill, something couples can work on together. Having nothing in common, however, means no place to start.

 Which brings me back to watching porn, possibly as a coping mechanism, for both men and women, during the period of abstinence before marriage to help insure a better relationship? Of course there’s always high quality erotica to fill that niche:)

You Don’t ACT Like Someone Who Writes Erotica

Blog, , , , , , , , , ,

Closely linked to the discussion of what erotica writers look like is the discussion of what erotica writers act like. Most of us don’t mind so much when people say we don’t look like erotica writers. What really bothers us is when people just assumed that we have DONE all the things we write about.

No one assumes Thomas Harris is a cannibalistic serial killer. No one assumes Anne Rice drinks blood and sleeps in a coffin. No one assumes Tom Clancy spent time being a terrorist. And yet, there are those who assume erotica writers have done everything we write about. For people who make that assumption, I have just one question; what part of the concept of FICTION don’t they get?

Fiction writers don’t have to experience what they write in order to write about it. In fact, that’s why it’s fiction. IT DIDN’T HAPPEN! At least not anywhere outside the fertile mind of the writer. Erotic fiction is no different.

Fiction allows the reader and the writer to experience safely situations and worlds that in reality would not be safe or even possible. In a world where safe sex has become a battle cry, even its own form of bondage, this is especially true with erotica. The erotica writer allows the reader to participate safely in a world that can be both very wonderful and very dangerous. It is no more necessary for erotica writers to have an orgy so they can write about one than it was for Thomas Harris to kill and eat a few folk before he could create Hannibal Lector.

Imagining an erotica writer who must experience firsthand her orgy, bondage, or sex in a bus before she writes about it adds another layer to the psycho-sexual fantasy. The fantasy may be very sexy indeed. But in reality, IT’S FICTION!

You don’t LOOK like someone who writes erotica…

Blog, , , , ,

‘You don’t look like someone who writes erotica.’

I get that all the time, and I have to smile. It’s a bit like being told, ‘you don’t look like you’re not wearing any knickers. You don’t look like you just had extra cream in your coffee. You don’t look like you’ve been reading Cosmo in the ladies room.’

Contrary to popular belief, most erotica writers actually do look exactly like erotica writers. In fact I look exactly like an erotica writer. Problem is most people don’t know what erotica writers look like. And, fair enough, I have to admit we’re a very difficult lot to recognize, so I’m going to give a very short crash course in how to spot an erotica writer. Not that it’ll help much. We’re masters of disguise. But perhaps it will give some idea of what you’re actually up against so you won’t feel so bad next time you discover that the woman checking you out at the pharmacy, or the bloke tapping away on his laptop at Starbucks, or the chick picking up her kids after school is an erotica writer.

First, you need to know what NOT to look for in an erotica writer. Unless said writer is doing a reading from her erotic writings and is trying to look like people expect an erotica writer to look, the person least likely to be an erotica writer is the one dressed in fishnet stockings and nose-bleed stilettos. Likewise don’t expect her to be the one with peek-a-boo cleavage and a leather mini, or the one with Dita Von Teese make-up.

In fact, the most outstanding thing about an erotica writer is that she doesn’t stand out. In fact it’s to her benefit not to stand out. She’ll be the one in the coffee shop in the corner in the back. She’ll be wearing jeans and a jumper because minis and tiny tops are just too damn cold and uncomfortable to sit around and write in, and erotica writers are endlessly practical. She probably won’t be wearing any make-up because the time it takes to put on a face is time that could be spent getting down the fab hot story idea that came to her while she was cleaning her teeth this morning.

Yep, chances are very good you won’t notice her at all, but she’ll notice you. She’ll notice everyone and everything around her, and she’ll filter it all through the mind set of possibilities, sexy possibilities, stories to be woven, and heat to be generated on the written page. She’ll have her head down, writing like a mad woman. And if she has a quirky little smile half plastered across her face, you’ll know she’s found the hot idea she’s been looking for.

Some erotica writers don’t stand out because they didn’t even make it to the coffee shop. They’re still curled up at home in their pajamas with a cuppa writing a story sparked off by a dream they had. They may be in their most comfy track suit, hair pulled back in a ponytail, feet snuggled in fuzzy slippers while they tap away on the laptop at the kitchen table. They may be scribbling away in a little purple notebook during their lunch break at the office.

It’s hard to say where they’ll turn up, or how they’ll disguise themselves, or what occupation they might take up to fit in to every-day, non-erotica-writing society. But it’s a pretty good bet that when they do decide to reveal themselves, you’ll still be picking your jaw up off the floor saying, ‘Wow, you sure don’t LOOK like someone who writes erotica.’