Tag Archives: Chris Unity Bowness

Cycle of Orgasm: Path to letting go during partnered sex

Welcome back, Chris Unity Bowness with another instalment of Consenting Adults

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As a mentor, I’m very intrigued by Orgasms and the issues that surround them.

Drawing on my mentoring experiences, I’ve created my own model of what I believe is a path to ‘letting ourselves flow’ to orgasm during partnered sex. As ever though this is not set in stone and is ever evolving based on my experiences of the issues people have shared with me.

I think it’s important to point out that there are a number of reasons for not being able to achieve an orgasm — physical, mental and medical. If you are experiencing problems I recommend first seeking expert medical advice and making sure everything is OK before exploring this path.


One of the complaints I hear is “They just can’t make me come.” I believe that the starting point to orgasm is the understanding that ultimate responsibility for our pleasure lies with us. Self-exploration is a great way to achieve a better understanding of what turns us on but also what happens to our bodies during pleasure and orgasm.

Use the whole of your hands to explore your body. Probe every curve and ridge brushing and kneading with hands. Using your fingers in places palms can’t reach will give you a deeper understanding of your body and what makes you orgasm. Whether it’s penetrative, clitoral, g spot, anal or even nipple orgasms, discovering what we like can start in our own company and give us a greater understanding of our desires and how our bodies reacts. Introducing sex toys will help our self-discovery go even further.


Having a greater understanding of how we enjoy pleasure, what happens to our body during pleasure and ultimately what makes us orgasm can put us in a great position to be able to communicate this to our partners. Using positive consensual language can be a great way to let things go more positively and naturally. For example: “Do you want me to show you where I really like to be touched?” Inability to effectively use language during intimacy is often a stumbling block to orgasm. I’ve discussed this topic previously in a guest article on K.D. Grace’s fellow author and Brit Babe Kay Jaybee’s site which you can read here.

The biggest builder of intimacy between couples is not sex but the shared vulnerability which includes those moments during sex when partners make themselves vulnerable in order to give pleasure and receive pleasure. Communicating with our partner that we want to be pleasured, and how, is one of the most vulnerable positions in which we can put ourselves. It is positively giving our partners consent to touch us and to show them how.


Once we have built confidence and trust with ourselves and our partner, we can then begin to fully connect intimately and spiritually with each other. Taking foreplay to a deeper level by using skin warming massage, or brushing and sensual kissing to awaken the whole of each other’s bodies are examples. Always check in with each other and only move on when both are ready.

Traditionally in heterosexual relationships men and women have viewed the ultimate climax of sex as being male ejaculation and judged the results of happy sex on that alone. Moving away from the idea of male ejaculation being the end point can help remove the pressures of performance for men and women.

Chris-Bowness-Unity-300x212Post coital time can also be important. Since sex can be a very vulnerable and soul bearing experience, people’s post-sex actions can help reinforce positive or negative feelings. Negative actions, such as walking off or getting dressed and going home — even after amazing sex, can reinforce negative emotions in regards to sex and allow stress and anxiety to build each time sex takes place. Positive actions, communication, and really checking in with each other after sex can create a positive experience that ease the ‘letting go’ and becoming vulnerable physically and mentally the next time the couple has sex.

Finally, it’s helpful to immerse ourselves in each other outside the bedroom with warm touches and kisses, which can flood our brains with oxytocin. This can help build deeper connections with each other. If we are not with our partners, checking in via text, or even using saucy texts, or emails can help to build deeper bonds and mentally prepare us for sex by starting foreplay well before we reach the bedroom.

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Consenting Adults: Chris Unity Bowness Talks about Taking Sex Outside

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Summer lovin’ had me a blast

Here in the U.K. we’ve been experiencing unprecedented high temperatures, which is bound to lead to hands wandering as lovers look for covert spots on the beach or pull one another off the beaten track to frolic in a secluded field.

The questions – and the confessions — I get the most this time of year are in regards to outdoors sex.

Summer sun, something’s begun

Often, the question of the laws regarding outdoor naughtiness is either something that people are most worried about or haven’t taken into consideration at all. And no doubt the risk of being caught is part of the thrill of sex al fresco.

In 2003 the U.K. The Sex Offences Act was amended to relax laws where consensual sexual activities could take place. Under the law, sexual activities in public was once strictly forbidden, but sex is now allowed in places that are isolated and where there would be an expectation of privacy. However, if you are planning to do the dirty in your own back garden you could fall foul of the law if someone spots you from the street or public through way.

She got friendly down in the sand.

A big part of the reason people enjoy romping around outdoors is the thrill and the risk of being heard or caught in the act.

The beach lends itself really well to the joys of outdoor sex, as it allows you to gage the mood and pick a nice secluded spot. You could hide yourself amongst the grasses in the sand dunes or if you’re feeling adventurous find a corner on the beach or even a cave. And there’s always sex in the sea. The other reason the beach is great is for such an occasion is because it’s quite acceptable for both men and women to wear next to nothing, meaning easier access.

The countryside also offers a great variety of nooks and crannies. A picnic in the right spot in the woods could offer an opportune moment to try out your foraging skills with your lover. You may even be lucky and come across a handmade shelter or cover made of wood often left behind by campers. Getting lost in fields of hay or walking along rivers or even in them can also provide opportune moments to get hot and sweaty together.

People have divulged to me a whole range of confessions regarding outdoor sex. It seems to be something people love to boast about, given the chance. Locations have included waterfalls, old barns, under bridges over canals, in barges and even in an allotment shed – a whole host to take inspiration from.

Summer lovin’ happened so fast.

Spontaneous versus pre-planned sex has always been a hot debate, both have their ups and downs.

When it comes to outdoor sex being spontaneous can be easier in a sense that you can get a feel for the surroundings and enjoy that sudden surge of sexual excitement when you are tugged towards a shaded area through the long grass. Being spontaneous is a great way to enjoy the great outdoors and let go of inhibitions.

On the other hand planning ahead for an outdoor romp can help to make sure that everything is in place to make sure things go off with a bang. The tension and build up to the very point when you decide to take the plunge can provide fantastic foreplay.

However, I believe that outdoor sex can easily strike the balance between the two and with a little preparation and having the right equipment in the boot you will always be ready for that opportune moment.

Keeping a blanket to hand to put on the ground to protect your skin from sand or grass is useful. Also think about keeping things tidy, using condoms even if you don’t usually do so. Plus, safety items like water bottles, sun cream and a torch. Something you could both leave behind is the underwear, and be sure to choose clothes that are light and airy and will give you both easy access.

Chris Bowness consenting adultsi-love-sex_20130429151230247Not comfortable with going all the way?  Outdoor naughtiness has something for everyone, sex doesn’t have to mean going all the way; fumbling around, adorning your lover with kisses, mutual masturbation even over clothes can act as great foreplay to the main event for when you’re back at home.

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Sex Al Fresco! Tis the Season for Garden Porn

Raymond and I had breakfast in the allotment this morning. We ate our sandwiches and drank our coffee in plastic chairs looking out over our small holding, now in the full foliage and bloom of summer. We watched a pair of black birds hunting for invertabrates for the fledglings and flitting about to devour unprotected currents.

Last night we picked a mountain of french beans and enough hefty courgettes to inspire any writer of garden porn. There’s just something about being out in the fresh air and sunshine on a British Summer day that can’t help but make the pulse beat a little quicker and the blood run a little warmer. Phallic veg aside, let’s face it, the great outdoors is a powerful aphrodesiac. And it’s pretty much a guarantee that those who haven’t partaken of sex al fresco at least once have certainly fantasized about it.

Tuesday Chris Unity Bowness will be back on A Hopeful Romantic with his monthly comumn, Consenting Adults, to talk more about sex al fresco and how to make the best of it, but since I’m spending a lot of time in the veg patch these days, which will no doubt inspire some more seriously sizzling garden porn, I thought I’d inspire all of you to venture out into the hot and sexy natural world and enjoy. So here’s a little excerpt from my novella, SurrogatesS. With a warm and steamy Britain, you don’t have too go far to find heat outside. Whether you want to partake or only have a little voyeuristic pleasure reading about someone else doing the deed in the open air, here’s a little something to celebrate summer sex in the sun along with a few piccies from our veg patch.

Warning: This excerpt is not for the prim and proper. This is garden porn at is raunchiest.


DANIEL ALEXANDER III takes his marriage vows seriously. Until he gets the balls to ask his wife, BEL, for a divorce, watching each other masturbate is all he can offer his beautiful gardener, FRANCIE CARTER. But when Dan’s friend, SIMON PARIS, agrees to be his surrogate, affairs of the heart get complicated.

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‘Francie? Francie, are you there?’ Dan made his way around behind the jungle of runner beans, getting a shoe full of warm moist soil when he stepped off the path. As the grit infiltrated his dress socks, he would have cursed his clumsiness, but then he saw her on hands and knees, the swell of her hips slightly raised in her efforts to pull stubborn weeds. She didn’t have to do that. She was the head kitchen gardener, a goddess in her domain. He hired underlings to do the weeding, but fuck, he was glad she took the hands-on approach, especially at times like this. She had kicked off the silly blue plastic gardening clogs she always wore, and her bare toes curled into the soft earth as though the very touch of it was an irresistible pleasure. How could soil between toes be so goddamned sexy?

The thin summer skirt she wore barely covered the heart-shaped roundness of her bottom, hugging her and clinging in the heavy summer heat to the delicious juncture where her thighs met. There were clearly no panty lines. She gardened in skirts, like she wanted to expose herself, like the act of planting and digging and cultivating made her a naughty bitch, who couldn’t get enough. But then that was the way he saw her in his fantasies, and oh shit, did he have fantasies about her! His cock jerked with insistence that nearly took his breath away. ‘There you are,’ he breathed, fingers already fumbling at his fly.

‘Go away. I’m busy,’ she said, giving some unfortunate weed an angry tug, an act the made the thin skirt quiver, made the firm muscles of her buttocks beneath clench and release. And his balls surged sending a testosterone buzz clear to the crown of his head.

He ignored the anger in her voice, well he didn’t actually ignore it. Her saucy temper made his cock even harder. ‘It’s all right, darling, you keep on working. Just lift your skirt for me.’ He grunted softly as he released his cock into his hand.

‘Lift it yourself. I said I’m busy.’

‘You know I can’t do that, sweetheart.’

She growled something particularly feral under her breath. He figured it wasn’t fit for polite company, which made him wish all the more that he’d heard it.

‘I’ve got such a load for you. I’ll come all over it if you don’t lift it for me,’ he said.

‘I have other skirts, Daniel.’ She only called him Daniel when she was really angry. ‘Why do I care where you come?’

‘Because you know where I really want to come, darling, and you have to know how badly I want it.’ He moved slightly to one side, not so far that her magnificent bottom wasn’t the centre of his attention, but far enough that, in her peripheral vision, she might catch a glimpse of him stroking his cock. Even if she couldn’t, she knew what he was doing, and he had no intention of being quiet about it. He lifted his balls free from his boxers and groaned at the feel of himself so full, so heavy for her.

She gave another angry yank at the offending weeds, and the resulting squeeze of her buttocks nearly sent him over the edge.

He spat on his hand noisily, rubbed his saliva over the length of his cock and groaned again, squinting at her exquisite back side as though if he just stared at it hard enough he could slide the skirt up over her hips with sheer desire. And the view would be magnificent. The way her knees were open, the way she braced herself on the garden mat, would showcase the tight dark bud of her anus nestled just above the splayed pout of her pussy. And her pussy, he had no doubt, would be slickened from knowing what he was doing, from knowing what he’d come for, what he so desperately wanted … needed.

‘You were with her, weren’t you? You were with your wife,’ she said reaching a gloved hand to deposit a handful of weeds in the trug next to her, an act which made the skirt ride up even further, an act which made him breathless.

‘What? No! I wasn’t. I promise. I had a meeting with my accountant that ran long. I swear it, Francie, darling. I haven’t seen Bel since I got home. Besides she’s staying over at her sisters this evening. They’re having a girl’s night out. Sweetheart, you know if I were with her, I’d tell you. Haven’t I always been above board about what goes on between Bel and me?’

She knew he had. Not that there was much to tell, but on the odd occasion when Bel had had too much wine with dinner and demanded he do his husbandly duty, or when she was feeling morose about her advancing years, all thirty-four of them, and needed to be shown she was still sexy, he never lied about it. It didn’t matter what sex acts he’d had to perform to please his wife, when Francie asked for details, he gave them. A part of him hated that she always asked. Surly she knew it would be easier if she didn’t know, but she couldn’t seem to help herself. And he didn’t hold back anything, even though he was always careful to remind her that it was thinking about her that made him come when he did his duty where Bel was concerned.

And all the while he told Francie what he’d done to Bel, told her details that made him blush, details that made his cock stretch and arch towards her, she listen while her cunt got slick and fat. Even as those details made her angry and unhappy, she asked for them. And while he told her, she played with herself, fingers darting furiously in and out between her heavy slippery folds, hips shifting and grinding as she asked him in clipped breathless words for more details. What did Bel’s pussy look like? How did she smell? Could he taste the wine she’d drank or the spices from Cook’s currey when he ate her out? How hard did her nipples get? Did she talk dirty when he pushed into her? Jesus, having sex with Bel, even though he knew it hurt Francie, was almost worth it to watch the way Francie took the pain, twisted it, turned it, reshaped it and came on it, came in lovely gushing female squirts at what she had made of it in her filthy little head.

Of course she didn’t like it that someone else got his cock while she only got to watch him wank. He didn’t like it either, but there was nothing for it at the moment. As much as he wanted Francie, as much as he dreamed of riding her raw, he was still married to Bel, and he would stay faithful until he got the balls to ask for a divorce. No matter how badly he wanted Francie, he could never behave towards Bel the way his father had towards his mother.

So why was he such a coward? People got divorced every day. Lots of people. Hell he knew people who had already been married and divorced multiple times. It was a simple thing to ask for a divorce these days. And yet, here he was like a damned adolescence begging for a peek under a girl’s skirt. ‘Please, darling, he said. ‘I don’t have a lot of time, and I want to spend what I do have with you.’

He saw the sigh shiver up through her body, and he knew he’d been forgiven. She raised on her knees enough to take off the gloves she wore, then with one hand she eased the skirt up over her hips and wriggled slightly to open her legs a little wider on the mat where she knelt.

He pressed his thumb to the head of his cock. The urge to come at the sight of her all engorged and open was nearly overwhelming. The pearlescent sheen on the inside of her pouting labia told him he wasn’t the only one who needed to come. As she arched her back downward and forced her bottom even higher, her clit came into view looking like a heavy swollen marble at the apex of her pussy. ‘Oh, Francie –’ he breathed ‘– touch it for me.’

She dipped her index and middle fingers in between her slick folds then drew them upward tightly against either side of her clit until it bulged still further, like soft, ripe fruit waiting to be nibbled. And, fuck, how he wished he could!

‘Do you like that?’ She breathed, glancing over her shoulder.

‘Oh God yes,’ he grunted.

‘I thought you weren’t going to show. I was angry,’ she said. ‘Oh, I definitely had plans for the vegetables I was sending Cook for your dinner tonight.’ She nodded to the basket of mixed phallic veg sitting on the ground next to her.

His cock jerked. ‘Show me,’ he breathed. ‘Show me what you were going to do to my veg.’

She took a heavy courgette slightly thicker than his cock, crooked and arched nearly in the shape of a banana. She gave it a leisurely deep-throating that had him thumbing the underside of his cock again, that had him imagining how it would feel if it were him getting the benefit of her delicious tongue. Her cheek muscles tugged and pulled on the courgette like it was a rod of steel.

When she was absolutely certain she had his full attention, she repositioned herself to face him. She wriggled her bare arse down onto the mat with her legs spayed. With one hand, she scrunched her skirt into a wad just below her navel, raking her long slender hand over tightly trimmed pubic curls, then she slid two fingers into her milky cunt and opened herself. With a little lifting of her buttocks and shifting of her hips she was ready. She snugged the hard jut of the courgette up tight against her reluctant pout.

Suddenly it was as though he weren’t even there, and that made it all the harder for him to hold his wad. She spat on her fingers and rubbed saliva around the place where the courgette met the tight press of her cunt hole. As though the task at hand demanded all the focus in the world, she alternately lubricated and pushed, lubricated and pushed, all the while making tight little grunting sounds low in her belly. He couldn’t take his eyes off of the slow, but relentless yielding of her grudging pussy to the press of the veg. With each push, with each shift, her clit marbled and beaded harder and harder just above the nudging of the courgette. She continued to push and stroke, push and stroke until at last her pussy hole yielded, her eyes fluttered and she caught her breath in a little gasp as the veg slid cock-deep into her gash.

‘Ah!’ she breathed. ‘That’s better. That’s just what I needed. Such a tight fit, but oh so yummy.’ Then she raised her eyes to meet his and offered him a smile that was almost shy. ‘Now I’m ready to come.’ Fingers still wet from her efforts with the veg, she undid the buttons of her sundress, releasing high firm breasts topped with heavy raspberry nipples into the pinching, kneading caress of one hand.

‘I don’t know about you –’ she grunted as she began to thrust and gyrate against the veg ‘– but I won’t be able to hold back long with all this heft up in my tight little fanny. And when I’m done coming, I’ll let you take the veg to the house for Cook. That way if you want to sneak a taste of my cunt, who’ll know?’ With each breathless thrust she lifted her arse off the gardening mat, giving him teasing glimpses of her gripping anus, and she knew exactly what he was looking at. She offered a throaty chuckle. ‘Maybe next time I’ll let you watch me shove a nice plump carrot back there. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?’

He only nodded. This was the point in their wank sessions where he always became nonverbal, too taken in by the heat of her, by the want of her, by the knowing that this was as much as he could allow himself of her, no matter how willing she was. He yanked at his cock like it was a wild thing he had to tame. He yanked until it hurt, and he kneaded his balls, feeling the surge at the base all ready to spill out onto the warm earth in front of Francie. It was the best he had to offer her right now, his humiliation, his need, his lust once removed.

She fell back onto the ground with a little cry, legs akimbo offering him an exquisite view of the tremors of her orgasm tightly stretched around the courgette. The view, combined with the ripe scent of her was more than he could endure, and he unloaded in heavy spurts onto the ground scant centimetres from her bare thigh. He unloaded till he thought he’d turn himself inside out, convulsing and grunting until he was spent, bent forward on his knees in the veg bed next to her, gasping and gulping for breath.

It was almost enough to give him the courage to ask Isabel for a divorce. He was sure he could almost do it after such erotic bliss, and what a lovely surprise it would be for Francie. But before he could verbalize that bliss, Bel’s voice rang out over the garden wall.

Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner: Chris Unity Bowness’s Contribution to Adult Sex Ed Month

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We often think of sex education in terms of children and teens and rarely acknowledged the need for adult sex education but we are surrounded by the need for it every day from forums, blogs and social media. Adults are constantly looking for advice and discussion on sex and relationships. We all are. Sex is one of those subjects we’re never done with and are always learning and expanding our experiences.

Communication is the key to good sexual relationships, but often it’s something we are not good at – talking about s-e-x. #Adultsexedmonth in June  A Good Woman’s Dirty Mind was set up just for that reason; to help open up the discussion on sex and share experiences and knowledge. The beauty of it is that people don’t have to specifically ask for it. They can just go to the site.

This month I thought I would share my own experiences of a time when I have noticed the need for, not just adult sex ed, but also for sex positivity and that is post pregnancy. Through sharing a little of my own experiences and the shared experiences of women and men in relationships I hope to give a positive voice and some helpful information to those people ready to go back to having sex after childbirth.


It’s important to mention  that medically women are advised to wait 6 weeks after they’ve given birth before they are fully cleared to have sex. However research by Sari van Anders  shows that some women cleared to have sex after 6 weeks still find it very uncomfortable while other women can enjoy some form of sexual pleasure as early as 2 weeks. The part of the research that really struck a chord with me was this:

“Health-care providers often don’t discuss too much about sexuality before that six-week period except to express that women shouldn’t be doing anything penetrative until after that timeframe,” [Sari] van Anders said. “But our data suggest that women are engaging in a host of behaviors and that they have desire.”

Based on my experiences in helping women who are upset and frustrated with their efforts to reintroduce sex post pregnancy, I would take it further to say that beyond medical advice, providers aren’t comfortable promoting information about positive sex and pleasure before or after 6 weeks. Many even wonder why someone would want to even bother with sex now that they’ve had a baby. In one situation I dealt with a woman had been told to slather KY Jelly on, lie back and think of England. Such a response not only perpetuates negative sexual ideas about women and men but also leaves women  feeling demoralised, shamed and negative about their bodies – still without answers.

Men and postpartum reintroduction of sex

How are men viewed in the postpartum  reintroduction of sex in the relationship? From the situations I’ve dealt with and experienced myself there seem to be a couple of prevalent assumptions. Either men are the perpetrators of reintroducing sex or they don’t want to reintroduce sex into the relationship because they’ve seen their partners go through the suffering of childbirth, and their body now seems like hallowed ground not to be touched.

Both assumptions fail to take into account the compassion and empathy of the men involved. From my own experiences and those others have shared with me, it is often the case that while a women may be craving pleasure and intimacy her partner may  be unable to reciprocate, not because he questions her; not because of the visual trauma; not because he’s bothered by how her body looks after pregnancy. He may not be able to reciprocate because having watched his beloved go through pregnancy and all the other post pregnancy stresses he’s worried about how delicate her body may be and he’s trying to empathise with what she’s been through.

Motivations and Methods

According to the research the reasons people do want to go back to having sex are more psychological than physical. There is a need for intimacy and closeness to their partners during what is a stressful time.

Inevitably people will go back to sex after pregnancy whenever they feel ready. Sometimes that happens before six weeks and sometimes after.  It could be 5 days it could be 5 months. Discouraging someone who wants to go back to giving or receiving pleasure, or self-pleasuring before six weeks is giving them poor and negative information, which isn’t doing anyone any good and will only create more upset, frustration and shame. When it comes to reintroducing sex in a relationship postpartum arming people with accurate information, support and advice and encouraging them to have sex when they feel ready is a more positive approach than saying don’t do it yet.

The most important advice I can give to women is to listen to their bodies, take their own time, set their own pace, not just during the time leading to the postpartum return to sex but also during intimacy — whether it be penetrative sex or otherwise. Self pleasure can also be a great way for a woman to reconnect with her body after pregnancy, helping her learn what changes may have occurred but also helping prepare her with things that may happen, such as dryness.

Preparation for having sex again after pregnancy is also an important topic.  Not only is there contraception to plan for but also other issues which may need to be talked through such as lubricant. There are many more available brands than KY Jelly that are plain, unscented and water safe such as Durex and I.D. Lubricants. Planning when to have sex and scheduling time is also really important as things might not go to plan.  While quickie sex can be gentle, fulfilling and keep you connected, after pregnancy making a little more time and space for the reintroduction of sex at a comfortable pace is especially important – and even more so that first time. I tell people that even though it may seem a bit clinical and methodical, taking the time to plan the occasion and the details means that when the hour or so window of opportunity presents itself  the couple will be ready to dive in.

Like all good sex, post pregnancy sex requires good communication, not only during sex but in the preparations for intimacy. A lot of the issues surrounding the re-introduction of sex after pregnancy can be worked through with good communication. Communicating how both partners feel about the reintroduction of sex and when and why can really be the catalyst for closer intimacy.

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Consenting Adults: Let’s Stop Beating Around The Bush

It’s my pleasure to welcome back Chris Unity Bowness for the second installment of Consenting Adults, and just in time for Masturbation Month!

Chris-Bowness-Newsletter-logoUnity.1As masturbation month heads towards its climax I’ve decided to finish it off by talking about toys and specifically male sex toys.

There is an odd quirk I’ve noticed, and even more so during the celebration of self love in May. On one hand the talk of female masturbation and especially sex toys has been high on the agenda. However, on the other hand, this is in contrast to the lack of discussion of male self pleasure and specifically male sex toys, which usually doesn’t extend past mutual couple masturbation. In general I find it a subject not many people are comfortable with, as it conjures up many negative images. There are many reasons behind this and many assumptions made and this needs to change.

However, I’ve noticed that when it comes to the wider society this quirk takes on a more interesting turn. Though society is uncomfortable with the idea that women enjoy self pleasure and often paints women who do in a negative light,  female sex toy coverage is everywhere in the mainstream. On the flipside it is pretty much taken for granted that every man wanks, but from what I’ve seen there is very little discussion of male sex toys in the solo sense.

These are just my observations of the sex positive media I take in on a daily basis, and I’m not here to start a gender issue. I know there are reasons why discussions not only happen more between women but also why they are needed. However, I believe discussions and better communication about all areas of sex and pleasure not only help demistify sex and, along with it, the positive benifits, but also gets us talking about problems. Ultimately, communication, sharing information and experiences can help us all have better sex lives.

Wanking Wrong

It is important to point out that male sex toys are now far removed from the image of the grubby mac. We should be encouraging men and women to talk about male masturbation and we should be encouraging male sex toys.

One of the big reasons men’s sex toys should be promoted more and talked about is that many of the sexual problems men suffer can be partly the result of years of bad masturbation habits, and the fact that men don’t masturbate the way they have sex. Issues from premature ejacultion, loss of erection, not being able to climax through penetration, and others could be down to how you toss yourself off. Using toys and thinking differently during self pleasure through the use of sex toys could lead to a great improvement.

The Tool Shed

Male sex toys have come a long way since the infamous blow up doll scene in British comedy Only Fools And Horses. Toys are now as sleek, well designed and as thought through as their female counterparts, with some being produced by the same sex toy companies such as Lelo, Pipedream, Rocks Off and Doc Johnson to name a few. So to show that there is more than one way to spank a monkey* here are my tips on the range of male sex toys available and what they can do for you.

Chris Bowness cock ringCock Rings

Cock Rings may be something many have come across during sex with a partner but they are also great for solo play. Most commonly, cock rings can be placed around the base of the penis or around the penis and balls and for that reason they come in different sizes, but also vary greatly in design, functions and now even shape, For Example: the new Endless Cock Ring which aims to stay in place with it’s new twist feature.

Cock Rings can give you a larger, firmer erection and ultimately a more sensitive penis allowing you to learn to control your penis more not just during masturbation but also during penetrative sex.


“What’s the point? You’ve got a hand.” Is the most common response to discussions regarding male sex toys but if that Chris Bowness Versprechenwhere the case you’d hear it in regards to female sex toys too. Masturbators such as the recently award nominated Verspanken shows there is much more to male pleasure than a clammy palm. Many masturbators, like the Verspanken, allow men to play around with different textures, feelings and even temperature, all of this helping men towards a more fulfilling solo experience but also allowing us to experience the different ways we could enjoy sex with a partner.

Fake Pussies

The male equivalent of the dildo, Fake Pussies, come in all forms from tubes in which you can place your cock to some that are even designed and moulded from the pussy of your favourite porn star, to full bodyChris Bowness artificial pussy toys which include a pussys, boobs and even a place to perform anal sex. For Example: see Pipedream Extreme Series.

Men have been using their hands to wank for a lot longer than they’ve been having penetrative sex and they’ve holding themselves too tight, making themselves come as quickly as possible and also the fact they are tugging rather than thrusting can create a whole host of problems when it comes to having penetrative sex.

Fake pussies can address these problems; by helping you control the tightness, not only prolonging orgasm but also encouraging you to thrust rather than pull, which can help you control the sexual energy and pleasure that builds in the groin, hips and lower abdomen during sexual intercourse.

Prostate Massagers

Chris bowness prostate stimulaterYep! You read right toys which allow you to gain pleasure from the massaging of your prostate. Not only is there actual health benefits involved as prostate stimuation keeps your prostate healthy but you will also, through practice, be able to reach a whole new level of pleasure and orgasm.

Furthermore, it will lead you to the skill of multiple orgasms not only allowing you to control your orgasms and sexual energy but help you focus on other areas of your body, prolonging climax. Prostate play will help to make the distinction between orgasm, climax and ejacultion allowing you greater control of those seperate pleasures and giving you more control and allowing for communication of what you like when you are with a lover.

My advice here though is to start small — possibly with your finger — and learn where your prostate is, how to stimulate it and get used to the sensations before diving into buying a toy. For a quick guide to health benefits head over to this information by Lelo and where you can find Billy, one of the best selling p-spot massagers. For further reading; there are also many books available such as The Multi Orgasmic Couple and also recent release The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners by Charlie Glickman.


These are just the main areas of male sex toys, but each area has a whole range of products, variations and prices within them and I hope I have given you motivation to explore. If there is any specific recommendations or further information you’d like please use the comments box below.

Ultimately, masturbation and self exploration through sex toys, whatever gender or sexual orientation, is very self nurturing, self loving and can help us get in touch with ourselves in a deep way before we let others in.  It can help us learn more about what we like, what turns us on and what makes for a better orgasm. Having a better understanding of ourselves can go a long way to better self awareness and communication, in the exchanging of turn-ons, when we have sex with a partner. We can not only help ourselves be better lovers but also allow for an all round heightened mutual experience.

Obviously, anybody who is suffering from problems in sexual performance I first encourage to seek medical advice to discover if there is any underlying health issues and then you are welcome to explore the above.

If you have a partner with a penis and would like to encourage them to explore sex toys, many men find it more comfortable to speak to someone in more comfortable surroundings and if you are in the London area there is no better place to visit than the Sh! Womenstore in Hoxton. Not only do they help couples explore penetrative sex but also solo exploration. They also have special evenings men can visit and get advice and they also hold a whole range of classes including spanking and blow jobs to name a few.

*no euphemisms were hurt during the writing of this article.