Welcome back, Chris Unity Bowness with another instalment of Consenting Adults
As a mentor, I’m very intrigued by Orgasms and the issues that surround them.
Drawing on my mentoring experiences, I’ve created my own model of what I believe is a path to ‘letting ourselves flow’ to orgasm during partnered sex. As ever though this is not set in stone and is ever evolving based on my experiences of the issues people have shared with me.
I think it’s important to point out that there are a number of reasons for not being able to achieve an orgasm — physical, mental and medical. If you are experiencing problems I recommend first seeking expert medical advice and making sure everything is OK before exploring this path.
One of the complaints I hear is “They just can’t make me come.” I believe that the starting point to orgasm is the understanding that ultimate responsibility for our pleasure lies with us. Self-exploration is a great way to achieve a better understanding of what turns us on but also what happens to our bodies during pleasure and orgasm.
Use the whole of your hands to explore your body. Probe every curve and ridge brushing and kneading with hands. Using your fingers in places palms can’t reach will give you a deeper understanding of your body and what makes you orgasm. Whether it’s penetrative, clitoral, g spot, anal or even nipple orgasms, discovering what we like can start in our own company and give us a greater understanding of our desires and how our bodies reacts. Introducing sex toys will help our self-discovery go even further.
Having a greater understanding of how we enjoy pleasure, what happens to our body during pleasure and ultimately what makes us orgasm can put us in a great position to be able to communicate this to our partners. Using positive consensual language can be a great way to let things go more positively and naturally. For example: “Do you want me to show you where I really like to be touched?” Inability to effectively use language during intimacy is often a stumbling block to orgasm. I’ve discussed this topic previously in a guest article on K.D. Grace’s fellow author and Brit Babe Kay Jaybee’s site which you can read here.
The biggest builder of intimacy between couples is not sex but the shared vulnerability which includes those moments during sex when partners make themselves vulnerable in order to give pleasure and receive pleasure. Communicating with our partner that we want to be pleasured, and how, is one of the most vulnerable positions in which we can put ourselves. It is positively giving our partners consent to touch us and to show them how.
Once we have built confidence and trust with ourselves and our partner, we can then begin to fully connect intimately and spiritually with each other. Taking foreplay to a deeper level by using skin warming massage, or brushing and sensual kissing to awaken the whole of each other’s bodies are examples. Always check in with each other and only move on when both are ready.
Traditionally in heterosexual relationships men and women have viewed the ultimate climax of sex as being male ejaculation and judged the results of happy sex on that alone. Moving away from the idea of male ejaculation being the end point can help remove the pressures of performance for men and women.
Post coital time can also be important. Since sex can be a very vulnerable and soul bearing experience, people’s post-sex actions can help reinforce positive or negative feelings. Negative actions, such as walking off or getting dressed and going home — even after amazing sex, can reinforce negative emotions in regards to sex and allow stress and anxiety to build each time sex takes place. Positive actions, communication, and really checking in with each other after sex can create a positive experience that ease the ‘letting go’ and becoming vulnerable physically and mentally the next time the couple has sex.
Finally, it’s helpful to immerse ourselves in each other outside the bedroom with warm touches and kisses, which can flood our brains with oxytocin. This can help build deeper connections with each other. If we are not with our partners, checking in via text, or even using saucy texts, or emails can help to build deeper bonds and mentally prepare us for sex by starting foreplay well before we reach the bedroom.
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