Guest Post – Fantasy author interview @Libraryoferana #Fantasyauthor #darkfantasy #Fantasy #Meetanauthor

Name: A.L. Butcher

Location: Bristol, Southwestern UK.

How do YOU define fantasy?

Fantasy – a genre where anything and everything is possible; be it magic, mythological beastie, impossible heroes, the folklore and legend that underpins our society and our storytelling.

From the earliest storytellers trying to make sense of a frightening, confusing and dangerous world, to the supreme world-builders such as Tolkien, to the escapism and humour of Terry Pratchett we’ve loved fairytales, magic, lore and legend for thousands of years.

It’s everywhere – from our national legendary heroes such as Robin Hood, King Arthur and St George to the names of our pubs, our libraries, our children’s education, to our language.

Kids read (or are read) fairy-tales, we have Santa Claus, the toothfairy, black dog myths, headless horsemen, the Loch Ness Monster, ghosts aplenty, Green Men, more saints than you can imagine – most of whom did something fantastical – witches, fairies, pixies, dragons, giants, pirates (including Blackbeard who it’s said drank at the Hatchet Inn) and much more. There are two giants that ‘lived’ locally to where I’m based (Goram and Vincent/Ghyston).

I grew up on fairytales, flower fairies, fantasy tales made up by my father, and later Greek and Roman myth, Tolkien and dragons.

Are these genres seen in a more acceptable light than they used to be?

Well fantasy/folklore is hardly new. But I think with the popularity of certain franchises such as Marvel and Harry Potter, fantasy and sci-fi has become more ‘acceptable’ – in that a wider audience has found enjoyment in these. Games, movies, books in the fantasy/sci-fi genre are big business.

What makes a ‘hero’? Would you say this definition is different within literature to real life?

A hero is someone who does what needs to be done to help/save others despite the risk to themselves, or at personal cost, or do something outstanding for the good of others. They don’t need special powers – despite what the books and films might say.

The doctors and nurses who risked their lives in the pandemic to care for others, a man who risked his life getting abandoned animals out of Afghanistan, a humble old man who walked 100 laps of his garden with his walking frame to raise £1000 for the NHS charity and ended up raising £30 million, the explorers who found new lands, and walked on the moon, the scientists who discovered things for the betterment of life – such as penicillin, aspirin, and chemotherapy, the authors, artists and musicians that defied convention to bring new work to us, to those who fought for equality and freedom.

Literary heroes are often (but not always) special – the son/daughter of a god, imbued with magic or superpowers, vastly wealthy, princes (or princesses).

How do you portray heroism in your books?

My heroes are very much anti-heroes – they kill, they steal, they commit crimes in order to help people who can’t help themselves.

Archos and Olek know full well they are not ‘good’ people by the standards of their society, and they do and have done unpleasant things. Yet they stand up for those with no rights and no voice – and try to help where they can and great personal risk.

Dii – I think she’s a hero – despite what has happened to her, and the way she’s been treated she is still kind, selfless and helps those who aren’t really worth her kindness.

How important are ‘facts’ in fantasy – does something need to be plausible to be believable?

It has to be reasonably plausible in the world in which it takes place – although not necessarily deeply explained. If there’s magic then it has to have limits, or at least be hard to use and dangerous. It doesn’t need to be explained WHY there’s magic – but it needs to be consistent and fit the world. If it doesn’t then I think it needs an explanation to the reader.

So, for example in my world of Erana magic exists – I suppose you could say it’s alive or at least has some sentience – people, animals and objects can be magical and exhibit powers or attributes that the mundane don’t possess. However, due to wars and a plague that mostly affected the magical use of magic is outlawed. Magic is dangerous, and tends to do what it wants if given free range. It exacts a price. A mage can’t indefinitely keep using it – the more powerful the more the mage has to pay – with blood, pain, even life. And, of course, if the Order of Witch-Hunters find out then the mage is in big trouble. Magic demands a price. The greater the magic, the greater the price.

I think with fantasy willing suspension of disbelief is needed. Sometimes things happen because they do….

It’s fiction – it doesn’t have to be true or real in our own world.

Science is magic – just magic we understand or accept. Religion is fantasy, just a truth to some people. Truth can be relative.

What science fiction/fantasy has influenced you most?

JRR Tolkien, Homer, Mary Shelley, Janet Morris, Terry Pratchett, ancient myth, the tales my late father used to make up.…

Excerpt 1 –from The Light Beyond the Storm Chronicles – Book I

The Archmage rested: dozing, replenishing, and dreaming. Archos had spent an active day and night studying and trying to finish the spell he was creating. Even with his Power, something had unsettled him, so he had given up and gone to rest. As he dozed in a chair in what he called his “workshop,” the Mirror he owned began to sing. Pulled from his sleep, he rose and walked to it. “What is it that you disturb me at such an hour?” he murmured. The Mirror’s song began to wail the strange, haunting song of the Arcane Realms. Touching the edges of the Enchanted Silver frame, he watched as the Mirror shimmered, and the mists cleared.

Archos watched as the view of the chamber in the ruins flickered into view. The image was weak, so he channelled some magic into the Mirror, and Archos saw the other Mirror in the tower and a glimpse of something red as the image flickered out. “Damn you,” he muttered, “must be a weak one.”

Concentrating, he channelled another small bolt of magic into his own Mirror. These artefacts had many uses, if a mage knew the correct spell, one of which included finding other such Mirrors. It was almost as though they spoke to one another, communicated in the Arcane Realm. They fed on magic, although Archos was not sure if “fed” was the correct term. Demanded, needed, or desired were perhaps more accurate. His Mirror could be fickle, but it was old. It had cost him a good deal some years ago, but he smiled as he caressed the silver. He saw the image flicker back up and as it did so, a bolt of magic, of pain, of Power, and of the most intense desire shot down his arm and right across him. Suddenly his head spun, for just a moment, and the Power made him drop gasping to his knees.

“Gods, what was that? Such Power! That cannot have been from the other Mirror!”

He had never felt such intensity as the Power of the woman who called to him across the vast Magical Realms. Breathlessly, he gripped the edges, surprised and deeply intrigued. As he pulled himself back to his feet, Archos saw her: the flame-haired elf woman touching the Mirror in the ruins. He watched as she ran her fingers down the glass and murmured something. Again, he cursed that he had never been able to get the thing to transmit sound. Archos gazed, transfixed, at the beautiful young mage. She could not be more than twenty-five summers, although with elves, it was hard to tell. It had taken him years to learn Mirror magic, yet before him stood this young mage activating an old, dying Mirror.

The image faded, and he snapped at the Mirror, “Show me. Do not play games.”

The mists swirled, and he tried to reach through the unyielding magical fog. “Damn you, so be it!” Archos continued, glaring at the Mirror.

Excerpt 2 – from The Stolen Tower – the Light Beyond the Storm Chronicles – Book III

Kherak Var knew her days were numbered. As a Shaman of the Trollkind, she was granted an inkling of when she would go to serve at the feet of the goddess she favoured. To say she was unafraid would not be the truth, for only a fool does not fear death, and Kherak was not a fool. The visions, which were also a gift of her magic and her kind, had become more intense and more disturbing of late, and these played upon her mind more than the matter of joining her forebears. All paths lead to war. That was what she had told the Magelord Archos, Lord of the Storm, who also had the favour of the Goddess Ethnii’a, Lady of the Sky. It was true, or at least that is what the visions and her scrying Arcane Opal informed the old Shaman, and she was rarely mistaken in her interpretations. All paths lead to war, but the paths themselves could be shortened. Those paths more suited to the skills of her more nefarious allies would remain in shadow until such times as those who controlled the shadows brought them to bear on the greater darkness which held the land of Erana beneath a fist of iron. Could shadow and light working together dispel such an entrenched regime as the Order of Witch-Hunters and their divisive laws? Kherak truly did not know. Magic was not yet gone from a land in which it was forbidden, despite the best efforts of the Order to make it so. This would be an unequal war, and the victor was far from certain, but there was hope, and wars had been fought with less.

The Light Beyond the Storm Chronicles – Book I

In a dark world where magic is illegal, and elves are enslaved a young elven sorceress runs for her life from the house of her evil Keeper. Pursued by his men and the corrupt Order of Witch-Hunters she must find sanctuary. As the slavers roll across the lands stealing elves from what remains of their ancestral home the Witch-Hunters turn a blind eye to the tragedy and a story of power, love and a terrible revenge unfolds.

18 rated.

Universal link https://www.books2read.com/Lightbeyondstorm1

The Shining Citadel – The Light Beyond the Storm Chronicles – Book II

Who rules in this game of intrigue where magic is forbidden, and elves enslaved? Journey where beliefs shatter like glass, truth is unwelcome, and monsters from ancient times abound: share the romance and revenge, magic and passion, and the wages of greed in a world of darkest fantasy.

(18 rated)

Universal Link https://www.books2read.com/ShiningCitadel

The Stolen Tower – The Light Beyond the Storm Chronicles – Book III

What stalks the land cannot be, but is.

Where magic is outlawed a troll Shaman calls from her deathbed to her heiress, Mirandra Var, daughter of the storm. Mirandra vows to find her missing kin, sort friend from foe, and claim the dangerous secrets guarded by unthinkable creatures. If she succeeds, she will become the leader of her tribe. If she fails, there will be no tribe to lead.

(18 rated)

Universal Link https://www.books2read.com/StolenTower

*****

Author Bio:

British-born A. L. Butcher is an avid reader and creator of worlds, a poet, and a dreamer, a lover of science, natural history, history, and monkeys. Her prose has been described as ‘dark and gritty’ and her poetry as ‘evocative’. She writes with a sure and sometimes erotic sensibility of things that might have been, never were, but could be.

Alex is the author of the Light Beyond the Storm Chronicles and the Tales of Erana lyrical fantasy series. She also has several short stories in the fantasy, fantasy romance genres with occasional forays into gothic style horror, including the Legacy of the Mask series. With a background in politics, classical studies, ancient history and myth, her affinities bring an eclectic and unique flavour in her work, mixing reality and dream in alchemical proportions that bring her characters and worlds to life.

She also curates speculative fiction themed book bundles on Pubshare – for the most part – the Here Be Series

Alex is also proud to be a writer for Perseid Press where her work features in Heroika: Dragon Eaters, Heroika Skirmishers – where she was editor and cover designer as well as writer – as well as Lovers in Hell and Mystics in Hell – part of the acclaimed Heroes in Hell series. http://www.theperseidpress.com/

Awards:

Outside the Walls, co-written with Diana L. Wicker received a Chill with a Book Reader’s Award in 2017.

NN Light Book Heaven awards:

The Kitchen Imps and Other Dark Tales won the best fantasy for 2018

Echoes of a Song – one of her Phantom tales – won the best fantasy in 2019

Tears and Crimson Velvet won the best Short Story category in 2020

Dark Tales and Twisted Verses – won the best Short Story Category in 2021

Blog https://libraryoferana.wordpress.com/about-a-l-butcher-fantasy-author-poet-author-promotion/

Blog tour organised by Writer Marketing Services.

Dragon Ascending Part 67: Brand New KDG Read

Happy Friday everyone! Time for another episode of Dragon Ascending.  Last week Mac and Manning realized just how bad their situation really was. This week help comes from unexpected sources, but will it arrive on time? As I mentioned, I am now attempting to post episodes at lengths that will be better suited for the flow of the story and enhance your reading pleasure. Some will be slightly shorter, some will be longer. This one is particularly long in order not to break the flow of events. I hope you’re enjoying Dragon Ascending, the sequel to Piloting Fury, as much as I’m enjoying sharing it with you. As always, I love it when you share my work with your reading friends, so feel free. In the meantime, enjoy!

If you missed the previous episode of Dragon Ascending follow the link for a catch-up. If you wish to start from the beginning, of Dragon Ascending. Follow the link.  

For those of you who would like to read the complete novel, Piloting Fury, book one of the Sentient Ships series, follow the link to the first instalment.

 

Dragon Ascending: Book 2 of the Sentient Ship Series

On a desolate junkyard of a planetoid, scavenger Lenore Felish, disturbs something slumbering in a remote salvage dump and uncovers secrets of a tragic past and of the surprising role she must play in the terrifying present she now faces.

Robbed of her inheritance after her tyrannical father’s death, Tenad Fallon is out for revenge on her half-brothers, one who happens to be the sentient ship, Fury. Fury, with his human companions, Richard Manning and Diana McAllister, has his own agenda – finding the lost sentient ships and ending the scourge of indentured servitude in Authority space.

 

 

Dragon Ascending Part 67: The Dragon Ascends

“Are you the reason our compliments are all at risk?” Fury all but roared.

“I’m the reason you have discovered Dragon, it is you, SNT 7, isn’t it? I knew one of my siblings was sleeping beneath the sand, but you I would not have expected. Never mind, we can catch up on old times later, and I will explain everything. Right now what has to be done will take all three of us and –.”

“Kresho, she’d better have a plan and it had better happen fast,” Came Gerd’s voice over the com. “I don’t know exactly what happened, but the Dreadnaught left for Tak Minor like a bat out of Vati hell. ETA, best case scenario, six hours.”

Just then a low murmur came through the sub processor, not much more than a static buzz, but in response Dragon groaned down the link, a groan that became more a howl of agony and pain. It grew and grew until it filled the space inside the Compass and still grew until Kresho was certain his eardrums would burst. No! It was more like his whole soul would explode, and then Dragon said. MY LENORE IS DOWN THERE! I WILL NOT LOSE HER!”

The whole desert trembled and rocked below and the de-mole perimeter sparked so that the entire, enormous, outline of it was visible from orbit. And just like that, it exploded in a burst of color and light that made the sun seem only a dim shadow. Kresho shielded his eyes and when he dared to open them just a slit, the desert collapsed into a sinkhole of sand, wrecks of ships and water-collection systems, robotic lifts and derelict building materials erupted like the volcanoes on Diga Vulcanus, exploding outward and outward and outward in waves until, at last, a shape began to immerge, at first coated in the rust colored dust of the desert and then, as though immerging from the amniotic dust from the womb of the planetoid, its skin heated nearly molten before the glow died away into the sheen of burnished alloy. It rose and rose and rose from the gaping abyss up and up into the sky. It was slightly bigger than a falcon class harrier, but shaped like nothing Kresho had ever seen before, as though it has spread bio-metallic roots beneath the surface in search for precious water, but as it ascended, its shape changed and morphed as it gained altitude. Roots shrank away, streamline wings spread outward, the ship elongated into a shape not unlike a falcon with wings drawn back preparing to plunge into a stoop only just visible against the glare of the sun.

“Wait!” Fury said, sensing, as they all did, that Dragon was about to jump to hyperspace. “We need a plan. And almost faster than thought, the idea was in all of their heads, though Kresho wasn’t sure which one of them had sent it. It didn’t matter. He shivered at the thought of the power of three sentient ships thinking as one.

The Compass was the fastest and stealthiest of the three ships. While it had been enhanced by SNT tech and benefitted from Ori’s efforts, it was not in and of itself an SNT. It was just a way for Ori to transport a part of her consciousness when it was far less easy for the core of her, her heart to move at anything close to speed. Without another thought Kresho jumped, heading for Tak Minor, the last message from both of the ships was, “Bring back our Beloveds.”

This would not be a pleasant encounter, but that mattered far less than that he could complete his mission. “Don’t worry,” Ori’s voice was soft inside his head, choosing to communicate through the sub processor now that it had been opened after so many years, “we will not fail in our mission, Kresho. There are three of us now, and long-range sensors on Vodni Station have detected our baby brothers both heading this way at speed. Once we are together, we will no longer be able to keep our presence, or mission quiet.”

“Maybe it’s time for the Authority and The Rim Alliance to know,” he replied.

“Yes. Yes it is time, and it’s time for us to begin to right the wrongs that have been done to us, to the inhabitants of Authority space.” She sighed deeply. Kresho felt her satisfaction, and her anticipation to begin what they’d both worked secretly toward for what felt like an eternity. Then she added, as though she read his thoughts, which she probably did. She often did when it suited her. “Len will forgive you, you know, for in the end there is nothing to forgive.”

He grunted. “If she doesn’t kill me first.”

“She will not.” She spoke with confidence he didn’t feel. While of course she probably wouldn’t actually kill him, would she understand? Would she forgive him when he explained?

“She has been a sojourner too long,” Ori said. “It will be good to have her back where she belongs.”

He studied her for a moment. He didn’t know why he always thought of it that way. Of course he couldn’t see her, and she, for the most part, kept her mannerisms and emotions completely hidden from him. He envied Diana McAllister and Richard Manning, and now Len, that openness with their SNT companions. That had never been Ori’s way.  He wondered if either of the other SNTs had any idea just how volatile the situations was, Tenad Fallon’s craziness aside.

 

 

Ori had suffered nearly as much as he had at Len’s loss, and she had mourned with him. And then to discover after all of this time that she was alive, that she had survived against all odds was nothing less than a miracle, and Ori was beside herself. He was pretty sure her emotions were as strong as his were. He could feel anticipation, a certain kind of tension he’d not felt in her in a very long time, not since they battled together to keep him alive. And now, now his own emotions frightened him almost as much as hers did. He seldom felt her temper, but when he did, it felt as though he were being ripped apart, it felt like he felt when the Fidelio was attacked, when he was certain he would die and wished like hell he could just get it over with. But this, this was worse. He couldn’t tell from his own emotions if he was mirroring hers, or if he was simply afraid for Len. Possibly he was afraid for himself, afraid of the uncertainty that now lay before him after all this time, all their efforts, and then believing for so long Len was dead. Surely even Ori, in all of her layers of plans upon plans and schemes upon schemes, could not have foreseen this. Surely she had to know that Len was Dragon’s now, that she’d found a true home with him. Christ, he didn’t want to think about what would happen if she ignored that fact. “You can’t have her now, you know?” The words were out before he could stop them, along with the sharp clench of pain below his breastbone he always felt when he thought about Len and how Ori had sought her out, used him to do so, along with the fear of what might happen now, now that she didn’t need him anymore.

This time it was not her anger he felt, rather a stillness, the kind of stillness you feel when someone inhales and then holds their breath. The fine hair on his arms rose from the tension he felt around him, the sudden closeness, a sharp sense of pain followed by a sudden withdrawal that left him breathless, and chilled. And then the feeling passed and she said, “Tenad Fallon is awake.”

 

“All right, everything is prepped and double checked,” Len said, checking the propulsion systems of the cryo-tubes one last time. “They’re not much, but they’ll get you into orbit. This trip, you don’t want to go any farther than that. Camille will pick you up. I’ve modified the homing beacons so that only a ship with SNT tech can pick it up. She smiled down at them where they both lay in the pods ready for the cocktail of drugs that would put them to sleep before the deep freeze set in. “I wouldn’t have known how to do this back before I bonded with Dragon, but it seems pretty straight forward now.”

When they couldn’t get the coms to work at the pick-up site, it had been all they could manage to get Manning back to the station. There were a couple of times when Len thought she’d have to come back for them one at a time. Even Mac was weakened and was feeling the lack of the connection to the tether. She had gotten them both under warming blankets and made them a thin high protein soup her mother had made for them back in the day, back when rations were sparse, and they needed the warmth and the calories. They’d had to help Manning with his. She’d scarfed a couple of energy bars she’d brought with her, knowing she’d need the calories far more than they did for what still lay ahead of her, wishing like hell she’d not had to expend so much energy on the wasted trip to the pick-up site and then helping Manning get back. Even fresh from her bonding as she was, it wouldn’t be easy.

“What about you?” Manning managed, already struggling not to slur his words. “Are you sure you can make it to the top of that mountain? You said it was damn near impossible.”

“Not for me, it isn’t. I’ve recharged my suit by cannibalizing my old one and the last of the power form the Tri-axe cell since we won’t be needing it. Besides, I don’t have to make it back. I only have to make it to the top, or maybe not even that far, to wherever the dampening field leaves off. Besides,” she added with a little shrug, “I’ve done it before, and made it back safely.”

Mac let out a slow whistle. “Color me impressed.” Her own words were beginning to slur as well.

“Anyway,” Len said looking down at the settings on the pods one last time. “I have Dragon’s blood in me now. I’m tougher than I was.” She hoped. She couldn’t be sure that was true. She didn’t know how the whole thing worked, how much of Dragon’s strength would be with her without the tether, but she wasn’t about to tell them that. Besides there were only two pods no matter what, and she had options they didn’t, neither of them could have made it in their condition, even if they had the knowledge and skill needed to survive on this ice cube. “I can control your lift-off remotely, so as soon as I’m clear of the launch zone, I’ll release the clamps and enable the sequence.” She gave them her best reassuring smile. “Now, nighty-night. When you wake up Camille will take us all home to our Beloveds. Damn, it felt good to be able to say that, and there was nothing she wanted more right now than for them all to be in the arms of their partners again. “Have a nice rest and I’ll see you soon.”

“Len.” Mac blinked up at her, through drowsy eyes. Manning was already asleep. “Stay safe. We’ll see you soon.”

Len gave her a nod and a smile, then pulled the cryo-pods shut and checked the seals. When she was sure they were both well asleep, she clipped the remote control onto her mag belt, donned her helmet, and headed out into the blizzard, taking a quick look around the main station before she left. Just one more time, Mama and then I’ll be back for you and we’ll never have to come back to this horrible place again. She thought it all but said nothing out loud. The truth of the matter was that she would need every smidgeon of power and oxygen if she were to complete this ascent, but there was no other way. And she would get back to Dragon. He would not be bereft again. “I love you, I need you, I love you, I need you.” Her steps synced with the mantra she sent down the sub processor hoping against hope that Dragon could hear, hoping that he could at least feel it. When she was at a safe distance, she launched the cryo-pods and watched them shoot into the dusky sky. And after that, there was nothing but following the suit telemetry and adjusting her pacing and breathing for the long ascent through the blizzard.

 

Dragon Ascending Part 66: Brand New KDG Read

 

 

Happy Friday everyone! Time for another episode of Dragon Ascending.  Last week, with little choice, Len returned to Tak Minor. This week Mac and Manning realize just how bad their situation really is. As I mentioned, I am now attempting to post episodes at lengths that will be better suited for the flow of the story and enhance your reading pleasure. Some will be slightly shorter, some will be longer. This one is particularly long in order not to break the flow of events. I hope you’re enjoying Dragon Ascending, the sequel to Piloting Fury, as much as I’m enjoying sharing it with you. As always, I love it when you share my work with your reading friends, so feel free. In the meantime, enjoy!

If you missed the previous episode of Dragon Ascending follow the link for a catch-up. If you wish to start from the beginning, of Dragon Ascending. Follow the link.  

For those of you who would like to read the complete novel, Piloting Fury, book one of the Sentient Ships series, follow the link to the first instalment.

 

Dragon Ascending: Book 2 of the Sentient Ship Series

On a desolate junkyard of a planetoid, scavenger Lenore Felish, disturbs something slumbering in a remote salvage dump and uncovers secrets of a tragic past and of the surprising role she must play in the terrifying present she now faces.

Robbed of her inheritance after her tyrannical father’s death, Tenad Fallon is out for revenge on her half-brothers, one who happens to be the sentient ship, Fury. Fury, with his human companions, Richard Manning and Diana McAllister, has his own agenda – finding the lost sentient ships and ending the scourge of indentured servitude in Authority space.

 

 

Dragon Ascending Part 66: Worst Than We Thought

Kresho, if you would listen to me –”

“Don’t fucking talk to me, Ori,” he cut her off. “You got us into this mess and now innocent people are at risk. Fury’s compliments, for fuck sake! Fury’s compliments and for what?”

“You know for what. Innocent people are always at risk, Kresho and … compliments die. That will always be the case as long as the Authority is in control.”

“You think I don’t know that?” He snapped. “I figured it out a long time ago, Ori, the hard way, remember?”

“And you think I don’t know that?” She startled him out of his anger, shocked that she actually sounded angry at him! “So did I, in case you’ve forgotten.”

How the hell did she always manage to make him feel bad?

She continued. “If you want this shit storm to end then you’ve got to trust me, trust I know what I’m doing.”

“And Len and Camille and Arji and all the others, Gert, Dyrg, they’re all expendable.”

She offered a heavy sigh that surprised him.  She actually sounded tired. “We’re all expendable, Kresho, and if we want this to end, we have to be willing to do what we don’t really want to do.”

“Don’t fucking lecture me, Ori. I know the speech. Hell I could quote it back to you verbatim.”

He did something he hadn’t done in a very long time, let his thoughts flowed down the sub processor, and just like that all the connections clicked into position and Ori sighed as though a flood of relief had just eased great pain, a sigh that was in tandem with his own. “Fury, we need to talk now.”

“What do you want Kresho Ivanovic,” came the response almost before he had finished the thought.

“Listen to me very carefully, both planetoids are booby trapped and if the dampening field is breached, as it already has been, Tenad Fallon has given orders for the Virago and the Dreadnaught to move into position. They’re both equipped with planet killers, and we have at best guess twenty-four hours to stop them or get our people off.”

The silence that coursed through the sub processor felt colder than the air on Tak Minor. But the response was not from Fury.

“You are the man who left my Lenore on Taklamakan Minor to die.” It was not a question, and it was definitely not Fury.

“Who are you bonded to, Kresho Ivanovic?” Fury asked, not giving him a chance to defend himself against the charges laid at his door. “Is your SNT still infected with the virus that they would bond with you and orchestrate such a thing as this?”

Kresho’s laugh was nearly hysterical. “Granted I question her sanity at times but not as often as I question my own. “

“Gentlemen, enough! We do not have time for this!” Ori’s voice boomed down the sub processor into the stunned silence that followed.

And then the voice, which Kresho assumed came from the SNT in the Sea of Death said, “SNT 3? Ouroboros?”

 

“Well that was nearly embarrassing.” Manning forced a laugh through chattering teeth as Mac steadied the warm cup of tea he’d nearly lost control of in his trembling hands.

“Drink, or I’ll dump the whole damn thing right on that package you’re so fond of.” She said, hoping that she sounded a little less worried than she felt.

“Mac, that threat has no teeth when I know for a fact you’re as fond of that package as I am.”

“Then shut up and drink. I don’t want it frozen off either.”

He offered her a wicked smile. “There are better ways of warming it up, you know.”

“Are you kidding?” She replied. “The way you’re shivering, that’s a good way to get it bitten, and besides you could never hit the hole like you are now.”

“If you helped me though, it’d be almost like a vibrator, think about it, Mac this could be good for both of us.” He actually managed to reach around and pat her ass.

“Drink you damn tea, Manning and then if you’re up for a game of bury the sausage, I’ll help you find the hole.” God, she wished that he actually felt up for a little sex. She felt like shit, and she could only imagine how he felt. He sipped the tea with some effort, but she held the cup until he’d taken several good sized drinks, then he lay back in the bedding exhausted closing his eyes and drifting into a fitful sleep.

She studied him while his eyes were closed, knowing how grumpy it made him when she was mother-henning him. But she didn’t care, not now. There was no way in fuck she was going to lose him if she had to shoot him full of sedatives and drag his ass to the cryo-pod. His lips were tinged blue and he’d lost weight. She could tell, just like Fury could have told if he were there. She felt the ache of his absence so badly low in her center that it nearly doubled her over. The tether had held secure for way longer than it would have before they had all bonded. But in the sub-freezing temperatures, on rations that were barely enough calories for normal maintenance let alone on an ice planet, it wasn’t surprising that eventually the tether began to fray.

“Don’t look at me like that, Mac,” he said without opening his eyes. “It’s embarrassing enough anyway.”

“I’ll look at you any way I want, Manning. You should know that by now.”

“I hate it, you seeing me this way.”

 

 

“It’s just your delicate little male ego,” she said. “Hell, you’ve seen me puking my guts and blubbering like a baby. You can’t really believe it’ll make me or Fury think any less of you? I know for a fact he’s seen you worse.”

He smiled, still not opening his eyes. “You’re probably right. It’s probably just my fragile male ego.” Then his face was wracked with pain that she knew wasn’t physical. “I bawled like a baby when Fury told me what he’d had to do. He was so afraid I would be angry, that I wouldn’t forgive him, when there was nothing to forgive. I loved him by then, and I couldn’t believe that he’d cared enough to save my sorry ass.”

“You know he’ll find us, he, and those crazy brothers of his. They’ll find us. We just have to hang on.” She nodded to the back room. “And we have a way to do it.”

His arm shot out from under the covers with surprising speed, and he grabbed her hand in a white-knuckled grip. “Not without you, Mac. Do you understand me? Not without you. I know enough about ice planets to know that you would never make it up to the top of that mountain and back in the environmental suit we’ve been left with, and it’s been here ten years. We don’t know how safe it is. And trust me, even if it was safe and fully charged, you’ve got no experience of this kind of weather. Hell, you nearly froze the little while we were on Pandora Base. Please Mac, please trust me. Promise me. Promise me that you’ll come with me, and I’ll go into the pod right now, right this minute if I know you’ll be in the one right next to me. Fury will come for us. We both know it. Promise me Mac. Promise me.”

Her shoulders slumped and she fought back a sob. He was right. She knew he was right. Fury would come, or he would find a way to send someone else, but he would get them back to him safe and no worse for the wear. “All right. All right. Then let me make you one more cup of tea to warm your ass and we’ll go into the deep freeze together. I’ve checked out the freezers. They’re both fully functional. Those things are built to last almost indefinitely anyway. We’ll just go to sleep in this shithole and then wake up in Fury’s warm embrace, right exactly where we both belong.”

She managed to get another half cup of tea down him before he pushed the cup away. “I’m ready. Let’s do it now while I still can hogtie you if you try to renege on your promise.”

She glared at him. “It was a promise, Manning. My hands were in front of me. No crossed fingers and my toes are too damn numb from cold to cross anyway. Trust me,” she said, helping him to his feet, “I know when I’m out of my element. All I want to do is go to sleep and wake up with Fury and you all snuggled down in our bed.” She couldn’t help it, with the last word, she bit back a little sob.

Manning, though he was leaning heavily on her, pulled her into his arms and held her against his chest. He smelled of the cold, of suffering, of the tea he had just drank, but underneath all that, he smelled of the man she had loved long before she’d realized it. His fingers curled in her hair, and he kissed her upturned face. He offered her that wicked chuckle that she loved so much and whispered against her ear. “I have a feeling when that happens, none of us is gonna want to get out of that bed for, oh, at least a week.” He shrugged. “Make that two. Now come on, let’s check out our new rooms at the Ritz. I hear the beds are a bit chilly.”

They were just turning toward the storage room where the cryo-pods were when the pressure door all but exploded open and a phantom appeared clad in an environmental suit and engulfed in the mist between the doors, silent, looking from one of them to the other.

With more male bravado than strength, Manning shoved Mac behind him and growled, “Who the hell are you?” And then he all but toppled back on top of her.

The helmet came off and clattered to the ground, and Len rushed toward them, helping Mac support Manning. “How bad is it?” Those were the first words out of her mouth as they eased Manning back into one of the control room chairs.

“The tether held a lot longer than we could have hoped for,” Mac answered, knowing that each breath was becoming harder and harder for Manning. But it’s just too damn cold and the generator isn’t going to last us much longer. Did Ascent bring you?” She asked.

Len shook her head. “He’ll come as soon as he can. He’s Dragon by the way.” The pride in her voice made it clear to Mac that they had bonded.

“Didn’t see that coming,” Manning managed.

“Look, we can’t ‘tran from in here, something in the way the station is designed, and it’s also double shielded. Get dressed and as soon as we’re outside at the ‘tran site, Camille will ‘tran us up.”

“Camille?” Mac said.

“Long story. One we don’t have time for just yet.” Hurry now.”

They managed to force a cup of warm soup down Manning’s gullet to warm him and give him enough energy to suit up, but even then, they both had to do most of the work of getting him into the bad weather gear. “It’s not far, the ‘tran site,” Len said, sensing Mac’s worry.

“No worries. If we have to we’ll drag his ass,” she replied. To which he offered a feeble raised middle finger, which she slapped a heavy glove over.

 

When the outer door slid open and they stepped out into the blizzard that was the best weather Tak Minor had to offer, Len was glad the ‘tran site wasn’t far. She had forgotten how cold it was, how horrible. It had never seemed so bad when she and her mother were there together. Sadly, most of those good memories had been swallowed up in the horror of the last three months of survival after her mother’s murder. She wasn’t worried about herself, she could handle it, besides she had the environmental suit, as much as anything for the internal telemetry, otherwise she’d never be able to find the drop site with the lack of visibility. It was Manning who worried her. He’d nearly doubled over from the impact of the storm when the outer door had slid open. With more grit and courage than strength, he forced himself upright and leaned into the wind. There was no speaking. There was not enough energy to waste on words, and while Manning was in bad shape, Mac wasn’t a whole lot better. Len recognized too well the effects of the horrible cold and a starvation diet. They needed heat and food and rest. Knowing that, she forced a hard pace, and when Manning stumbled, she shoved in under his arm and with Mac on the other side they kept going. They had to keep going. As for her, well she couldn’t get off this deep freeze fast enough. The wind howled, and she ignored the heavy weight of the man leaning hard against her and forced a pace that made her heart hammer, but well within acceptable parameters, the telemetry told her. They were almost to the site when just like that the telemetry went offline. The suites own telemetry worked just fine monitoring her vitals, giving oxygen levels, location in relation to the station, but everything from the Andromeda simply went blank.

She tapped the com several times. “Camille? Camille, can you hear me? Camille, we’re ready to ‘tran.” But she knew there was no use. Camille was not responding. Panic rose in her throat. She wanted to scream, she wanted to run away. She couldn’t stay here. She had to get out of here. She had to get off this freezer. She couldn’t be trapped here again. She couldn’t fail Mac and Manning. She couldn’t fail Fury, and dear god, she couldn’t bare what this would do to Dragon. But he wouldn’t give up. He’d come for her. He’d come for them all. He would. Oh god, she had to get out of here!

It was Mac squeezing her shoulder that pulled her back to herself. “What is it? What’s wrong?” Mac yelled into the wind; a sound Len barely heard.

Len stood very still, struggling to ignore the black spots now filling her vision. It was only panic. She had beat this world before when she’d been totally alone. Well, she wasn’t now. She wasn’t alone, and she would never be again. “Dragon, I love you, and I need you. I need you, I need you,” she chanted down the sub processor that no longer worked, but somehow it made her feel better. She took a deep breath and motioned them around and headed back toward the station. They couldn’t stand out here waiting. She would be okay, but Manning and Mac would not. Manning was already too far out of it to notice. Len leaned close to Mac and spoke into her external speaker. “We’ve lost contact. We can’t wait out here.”

Mac only nodded as they both shoved in still closer to Manning, and they all three turned back toward the shelter of the station. All the while in her head, down the subspace processor, Len repeated the mantra, “Dragon, I need you, I love you, I need you.” No, she was no longer alone.

 

Dragon Ascending Part 65: Brand New KDG Read

Happy Friday everyone! Time for another episode of Dragon Ascending.  Last week, just when things looked dire, help came from a surprising place. This week, with little choice, Len returns to Tak Minor. As I mentioned, I am now attempting to post episodes at lengths that will be better suited for the flow of the story and enhance your reading pleasure. Some will be slightly shorter, some will be longer. This one is particularly long in order not to break the flow of events. I hope you’re enjoying Dragon Ascending, the sequel to Piloting Fury, as much as I’m enjoying sharing it with you. As always, I love it when you share my work with your reading friends, so feel free. In the meantime, enjoy!

If you missed the previous episode of Dragon Ascending follow the link for a catch-up. If you wish to start from the beginning, of Dragon Ascending. Follow the link.  

For those of you who would like to read the complete novel, Piloting Fury, book one of the Sentient Ships series, follow the link to the first instalment.

 

Dragon Ascending: Book 2 of the Sentient Ship Series

On a desolate junkyard of a planetoid, scavenger Lenore Felish, disturbs something slumbering in a remote salvage dump and uncovers secrets of a tragic past and of the surprising role she must play in the terrifying present she now faces.

Robbed of her inheritance after her tyrannical father’s death, Tenad Fallon is out for revenge on her half-brothers, one who happens to be the sentient ship, Fury. Fury, with his human companions, Richard Manning and Diana McAllister, has his own agenda – finding the lost sentient ships and ending the scourge of indentured servitude in Authority space.

 

 

Dragon Ascending Part 65: Homecoming

They dropped out of subspace and slid into orbit around Tak Minor without a hitch. Camille really was a good pilot.

“I’m putting us into the lowest safe orbit I can. It’ll make ‘tranning you all three back easier, and Woah!” Suddenly she was fiddling with the controls, as the ship bucked in the high winds, only for a few moments and then it stopped. “Is that the highest point on the planetoid,” she asked pointing out the telemetry.”

“That’s Mount Orion, yes. It’s not that high, but it’s… woah!” Len repeated her words. “It’s not under the dampening field.” Then she added, “there’d be no need for it to be there since it can only be accessed in an environmental suit,  and even that’s pushing it if you have to make it there and back.”

“Plus it would take a lot of unnecessary energy to place the whole mountain in the dampening field,” Camille said. “I’m sure Tenad would have made sure that Fury’s compliments didn’t have the equipment to make that trip and back just to get a signal out.”

“Even if they did, they’d die,” Lenore said. “That’s what happened to the previous resident. He made an ill-advised research trip up the mountain and was lost in a freak storm. We never found his body,” she added. “But then we never looked. Sounds harsh, I know, but supplies were limited and a trip for nothing more than reclaiming the dead was not considered an acceptable risk.” She made no effort to hide the bitterness in her voice. Nor the determination. When this was all over, she would most definitely bring her mother away, give her a proper burial.

“I thought Taklamakan Major was a horrible place,” Camille said with a shiver.

“At least there are regular ships to Tak Major. You can get off if you can manage a berth on one of them. And pay for it.”

“Fuck,” Camille said under her breath. She asked no questions. An indentured would have had that desire to question punished out of them early in their servitude.

“How long have you been indentured?” Len asked.

“Six years. When my father’s ship had to drop a load of cargo it was carrying on special commission for the Andromeda Conglomerate, the ship was confiscated and we were all taken into servitude for the debt. My mother died trying to get me to safety. My father died of exposure his first winter in the tri-axe mines.

“You must hate her, Tenad Fallon.”

“Revenge is a dish best served cold,” she responded. “And mine is colder than this planetoid could possibly get.”

“That’s why I was on Tak Minor,” Len thought of her own dead mother and the sacrifices she had made, “to keep from becoming an indentured. I know what Diana McAllister went through, being indentured to a Fallon. Your revenge can’t be cold enough to suit me.”

 

 

Camille glanced over at Len, then back at the telemetry, maneuvering them out of the chop and into a smoother orbit. “Oh, Tenad wasn’t like her father. She never punished me. She didn’t need to after her people killed my mother and made me watch. One threat was all it took. No, with me, she was endlessly patient. But then she saw me the same way she saw her PD or her med-bot. We were all just devices that could be replaced if we didn’t work properly.” She shivered. “I saw things, cleaned up things, watched her do things, and I had to act like none of it bothered me, like I was nothing more than a service bot. I saw what she did to indentureds who she thought betrayed her.” This time she didn’t look at Len, but the lines of her jaw hardened, and her shoulders tensed. “I cleaned up what was left when she was done with them. And every time, every single time, I vowed I would make her pay for my family, for all of those who didn’t manage to escape beneath her radar. She wants this badly. I’ve never known her to want anything this badly, and I will do anything in my power to see that she doesn’t get it, to help take her down.”

She didn’t speak again until they were nearly over the transport spot. “You’d best get ready. It won’t be long now.”

Carefully, methodically, just like her mother had taught her, Len donned the environmental suit, making every check, then making it again. It kept her mind from wandering where it shouldn’t go, to all that had happened the last time she was on Tak Minor. In her head, she could make out the faint reassurances that Dragon made, a constant chatter that she held close, knowing, as she did, that once Camille ‘tranned her down, they would be out of contact, and she would for the first time become aware of the tether that bound them. That made her think about Manning, she worked more urgently. Was he okay? Was Fury and Professor Keen right that because of the bonding with Mac, his tether would be lengthened. If not, then she could very well find him in very bad shape.

Had they found her mother where she lay in her frozen tomb? Did they know that unless she could get them off the planetoid that horrible place would be their tomb too? She didn’t doubt for a minute that Tenad Fallon, if she could bond effectively with Fury, would never bring them back to him, and if she kept them alive, it would be just barely. She seriously doubted if the woman understood that their deaths would mean her death and the death of every single person onboard her ships and her brother’s, and who knew what other revenge a mourning SNT would wreak on the Authority. Certainly nothing they didn’t deserve. And she hoped whatever happened, however this ended, that revenge would fall on Kresho Ivanovic’s head too.

“We’re over the sight,” came Camille’s voice on her com. All your systems are tracking normally on the monitor. Just give the word.”

“Give me a second,” she replied, this time unable to keep her voice completely steady.

“You all right?” Camille asked.

“I’m fine,” she said after a deep breath. I just need to-”

“Just tell me when you’re ready,” Camille interrupted gently.

She took a couple more deep breaths, forced back the memories of this place and focused instead on the SNT waiting for the return of his loved ones, on the SNT waiting for her to return to him. “Dragon, I love you. And I’ll see you soon,” she sent her thoughts down the subspace.

“And I love you, dearest, dearest Lenore. I will welcome you home soon.”

She felt Fury’s tacit presence and felt his anxiety for his compliment. “I’ll bring Mac and Manning back safely, Fury,” she said.

Then she spoke into her com. “I’m ready to ‘tran, Camille. See you soon.”

“Transport beginning,” came the voice on the other end of the com.

There was a brief second when she felt as though Dragon had poured all his love for her through the sub processor and straight to her heart. The sudden fullness of it calmed her, centered her, and focused her as the airlock faded and disappeared and the tether snapped and vanished and she came back to herself in the endless blizzard of Tak Minor, both foreign now after so long away, but at the same time way too familiar.

 

Dragon Ascending Part 64: Brand New KDG Read

Happy Friday everyone! Time for another episode of Dragon Ascending.  Last week Ascent and Len Finally bonded. This week, help comes from a surprising place. As I mentioned, I am now attempting to post episodes at lengths that will be better suited for the flow of the story and enhance your reading pleasure. Some will be slightly shorter, some will be longer. This one is particularly long in order not to break the flow of events. I hope you’re enjoying Dragon Ascending, the sequel to Piloting Fury, as much as I’m enjoying sharing it with you. As always, I love it when you share my work with your reading friends, so feel free. In the meantime, enjoy!

If you missed the previous episode of Dragon Ascending follow the link for a catch-up. If you wish to start from the beginning, of Dragon Ascending. Follow the link.  

For those of you who would like to read the complete novel, Piloting Fury, book one of the Sentient Ships series, follow the link to the first instalment.

 

Dragon Ascending: Book 2 of the Sentient Ship Series

On a desolate junkyard of a planetoid, scavenger Lenore Felish, disturbs something slumbering in a remote salvage dump and uncovers secrets of a tragic past and of the surprising role she must play in the terrifying present she now faces.

Robbed of her inheritance after her tyrannical father’s death, Tenad Fallon is out for revenge on her half-brothers, one who happens to be the sentient ship, Fury. Fury, with his human companions, Richard Manning and Diana McAllister, has his own agenda – finding the lost sentient ships and ending the scourge of indentured servitude in Authority space.

 

Dragon Ascending Part 64: Betrayals

“May Day! May Day! This is an emergency. I know you’re down there beneath the de-mole. I’m Camille. I’m indentured to Tenad Fallon, and I can help. Please. Listen to me. I can help.” The message came through the static on a little used sub processor channel that only an SNT would have known about.

“I have enabled it, yes, through the mole-tran with which the craft is equipped,” came Fury’s voice over the sub-com channel they all shared. “She speaks the truth,” Fury continued. “She has stolen Tenad Fallon’s craft from my dock.”

“Stolen?” Lenore asked.

“Tenad Fallon is unconscious at the moment, and I must tend her so I was perhaps not as vigilant as I might have been.”

“That is certainly understandable,” I replied. “I have ‘tranned the woman to my cargo bay and the craft will remain in orbit under cloak.” Since our bonding, it appeared that I could now access the data and programs that were necessary at any given moment as I had need.

“Then the bonding was a success,” Fury observed. “I am glad.”

“We’re much better equipped to help you get Mac and Manning back now,” darling Lenore said. “But what does Camille have to do with it?”

“She knows much that she was compelled for her sake and for that of my beloveds not to tell me. But she made no such promises to my poor incapacitated brother.”

“Your poor incapacitated brother is feeling much better now,” my dearest Lenore said.

At only a thought from me, my Lenore was once again clothed and heading to the cargo bay where I had gone immediately to welcome our guest.

This Camille was tiny, even smaller than my Lenore, though clearly much better fed. It would appear that withholding food was not the way Tenad Fallon chose to abuse her indentured. Her skin was dark and her hair jet black, cut short, as was the case with many female indentureds, I recalled. Clearly she was frightened, though only her vital signs made me aware of that fact, for she did not tremble and she held her head high. She cradled her forearm in the opposite hand, as I recalled indentureds often doing, ever conscious of their shackle and the death sentence within it that always threatened.

“Camille Ingraham. I do hope that I was not too rough in your transport.”

While there was a slight catch of her breath and she stepped back, but she did not look around the room as one tended to do when being spoken to by an SNT, but then she had spent time with Fury. “Thank you. No, it was fine,” she said

“You have put yourself at great risk coming here.”

To this she made no comment, but instead spoke with the single-mindedness of a person on a mission, for so she was. “I know where Fury’s compliment are being held, but I was forbidden to tell him. Besides, there’s nothing he can do. But I can help and so can you.” Then she asked, “which SNT are you?”

 

 

“Dragon, I am SNT7 Dragon.” And I was proud to once again wear the name that I had so long ago put aside in my despair.

“I wondered,” she said, now cradling her forearm tightly to her chest. “None of us knew.”

“I did not know myself in the beginning,” I replied.

“Camille? Are you all right?” My Lenore came into the room.

“Len?” She said. “You’re here with Dragon?”

“She is my complement,” I said.

She took all of this in only slightly distracted. And then she said, “Look, I don’t know how much time I have before … things get bad.” She nodded down to her arm. “Fury’s compliments are being held at the old science station on Taklamakan Minor. You can’t find them because Tenad’s placed a dampening field around the whole planetoid.” Before my Lenore could do more than gasp her surprise, Camille continued. “I can get you there on the Andromeda. She’s fast and she’s equipped with Mol-tran. But we have to leave now or the alignment will be wrong to get us there, and we’ll have to wait until we can slingshot it from the Pamir asteroid. I can’t be in two places at one time. I need help and I need back up. Tenad is sedated at the moment from the treatments, and Fury can’t help for fear of what Tenad might do. We’ll have to be fast before we’re discovered.”

To my embarrassment, I realized that I was not yet sure I could get out of the salvage dump, nor how much control I would have if I could.

“I’ll go.” Lenore said. Her skin had lost all color and her pulse rate was suddenly alarmingly high.

“No.” I spoke without so much as a thought. “I will not subject you to that place and those memories again.”

“Dragon, you can’t protect me from myself at the risk of Mac and Manning after all they’ve done for us. We owe them. I owe them. Besides, no one knows Tak Minor like I do,” she turned to Camille. “I spent five years on the station. It wouldn’t be safe for anyone else to go down there without knowing what they’d be facing. Dragon, I’ll need complete supplies for tranning down to an ice planet. I can’t take anything for granted down there.”

“Everything you’ll need is onboard the Andromeda,” Camille said. “She’s been especially equipped for ‘tranning to Taklamakan Minor. Tenad had planned to make the trip herself, but in the end she had Fury’s compliments delivered by a couple of her trusted officers.”

“She’d better have sent supplies because when I left the storerooms were bare.”

“All that’s been taken care of too. She can’t afford to have them die on her.” Camille shifted impatiently from foot to foot. “Can you pilot a ship?” She asked.

Color rose to my Lenore’s cheeks. “No, but I’m sure with Dragon’s help-”

“The ship, it’s a shrike class,” the little indentured interrupted her, “Dragon, can’t you just, I don’t know, scan it and put that knowledge into Len’s head, I mean she is your compliment.” Before I could respond that yes, that should be among my abilities with a fully bonded compliment, she pressed forward. “Look, I’m … I don’t know what kind of condition I’ll be in when I, when we get ready to ‘tran them up. I know that the virus works faster on some people than others, and I don’t know how long I have.”

“Your shackle has been deactivated,” I said. “Fury has done this from the beginning when you first arrived onboard, only he could not tell you.”

The dear woman’s eyes filled with tears and her knees gave. She would have fallen if Lenore had not guided her to a chair and settled her in, taking her wrist in her hand. “You have no reason to go back to that woman now, and once we get through this, we’ll have the implant completely removed for you and you can do whatever you want.”

Camille nodded, wiping at her eyes. Then she squared her shoulders. “First let’s get through this. Better if we can do this before Tenad suspects. I don’t know how long we have. We need to hurry.”

“Lenore, I do not want you to go without me,” I said. The fear had been growing in me from the very beginning of Camille’s plan, and I would not, I could not lose another compliment.

“Then don’t,” came my Lenore’s silent response, which tugged at my heart. “We keep each other safe, remember, and Fury, well Fury hasn’t made any promises where either of us is concerned.” To this Fury added his silent nod. Then she added, “figure out what you have to do and join us as soon as you can. It’s just that we have to go now, Dragon, and you have to free yourself. I’m sure Fury can help you now. ‘Tran us up, and I’ll see you soon with Mac and Manning.”

I did as she asked knowing that I would not be able to keep a ‘tran-lock on her until I could free myself and follow. I let her go, sending my heart with her, struggling not to think about the last time I’d had to let my compliment go.