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Lisabet Sarai discusses The Romance of Surrender

BlogTourButtonNew Release: The Gazillionaire & the Virgin

“Trust can’t be bought—it has to be earned.”


It’s very much my pleasure to be hosting Lisabet Sarai today on the blog tour for her latest novel, The Gazillionaire and the Virgin, a fab new BDSM novel you won’t want to miss. Lisabet has a great post, a sizzling excerpt and a truly delish giveaway you won’t want to miss out on! Read, enjoy, and comment to be included for the giveaway draw! Welcome, Lisabet! 


“BDSM? Yuck!” I have the impression that this represents the reaction of some romance readers when someone offers them a title that includes Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, or Masochism. What is romantic about pain, suffering and humiliation? Why would anyone enjoy reading about whippings, spankings, restraints that contort the body into embarrassing and awkward positions, severe punishments that are administered in response to the tiniest lapse in obedience?


For me, the essence of a D/s relationship lies in the emotional bond between the dominant and the submissive. The physical trappings and conventional activities—the riding crop and the gag, the handcuffs and the nipple clamps, the whippings and the binding—are side issues, merely the methods chosen to express, explore, and strengthen the bond. Others may associate BDSM with humiliation, cruelty, abuse, and agony. In my view, BDSM is about devotion, commitment, trust, and ecstasy.


A caveat: not everyone agrees with me. (My husband would be amazed to hear me admit that!) Some readers prefer their BDSM rough, with an edge of real cruelty that would definitely limit my enjoyment. For some people, the objects of discipline themselves hold a fetishistic attraction. There’s also a tendency in some romance books to play with BDSM paraphernalia in vanilla relationships, where blindfolds and bonds function as sex toys to enhance the excitement of the participants.


The BDSM that I write, however, and that I enjoy reading, focuses primarily on the connection between the characters in the “power exchange”. What do I mean by “power exchange”? This D/s jargon refers to the fact that submissive voluntarily gives up control to the dominant. In return, the dominant accepts responsibility for the submissive’s well-being and ultimately, for his or her pleasure. The sub surrenders herself to the Dom, in devotion and trust. (For now I’ll assume a female submissive. I’ve written both male- and female-dominant tales, as well as some lesbian D/s, but it gets awkward to keep using multiple pronouns!)


The Dom can do whatever he wants with the sub; she has, after all, given her consent. He has the intoxicating knowledge that by taking what he desires, he will also give his sub what she most craves—the satisfaction of pleasing her master and the freedom to experience her most intimate fantasies of ravishment.


I’ve written books without any BDSM elements, but it seems I always come back to my first love. The more I write in the genre, too, the better I think I have become at expressing the nuances of these complex relationships. My new novel The Gazillionaire and the Virgin goes beyond stereotypes to portray what I believe is a very realistic D/s relationship—one that includes give and take, doubt and confusion, as well as ecstasy.


This post is part of my Gazillionaire and Virgin blog tour, running from February 1st to 15th. Leave me a comment on this post, including your email address, and I’ll enter you to win a $50 bookstore gift certificate (first prize) or a print copy of the new book (second prize). Visit all the stops for more chances to win. You’ll find the full list here:





The Gazillionaire and the Virgin Blurb:


Silicon Valley entrepreneur Rachel Zelinsky is not a woman who lets pleasure interfere with business, but when she meets reclusive genius Theo Moore, she can’t resist his geeky appeal. Though Theo’s knowledge about sex derives from extensive research and a stash of kinky porn rather than real-world experience, he is Rachel’s first true Master—and the first man to truly touch her heart.


Contemporary BDSM erotic romance (Five flames)

Approximately 62,000 words, 240 pages in print

HEA ending




“Lisabet Sarai writes the most beautiful erotic prose. Her stories tease at the senses and transport you to a world of sexual pleasure.” ~ Desiree Holt, queen of BDSM erotic romance and author of Forward Pass


“I’ve always been a fan—Lisabet Sarai’s erotic fiction is certain to captivate, dominate, and leave readers begging for more.” ~ Alison Tyler, best-selling author of erotic BDSM memoirs Dark Secret Love and Even Deeper.


Ebook Buy Links (Print coming soon!)

Amazon US


Amazon UK


Barnes & Noble


All Romance







TheGazillionaireAndTheVirgin_400X Rated Excerpt The Gazillionaire & the Virgin:

I nearly step on her.

“Rachel! What the—”

She sits cross-legged on the carpet, half-inside my clothes closet, wearing one of my dress shirts,
unbuttoned, over her nakedness. Glossy magazines are scattered around her, their covers awash with female flesh—stripped, blindfolded, gagged, clamped, twisted into impossible positions, limbs wrapped in rope or leather, scarlet nipples bulging and sore, eyes full of terror and devotion. One of the publications lies in her lap, open to the Technicolor image of a woman strapped to a padded horse, with some anonymous hand buried to the wrist in her stretched asshole.

Oh God, no! I want to sink through the floor with shame. At the same time, my cock is like stone. “Rachel—um—it’s not what you think…”

She gazes up at me with a half-smile. “Oh? Really?” Her voice is mild. She sounds amused rather than shocked as she gestures at the masses of porn surrounding her. “Are you trying to tell me these aren’t yours?”

“Well—um—not exactly…”

“Quite a collection.” As she rolls onto her hip then rises to a kneel, she gives me an appraising look. “I’m impressed.”

“You’re not—not—disgusted?” I’m frozen in place, transfixed by embarrassment and lust. Her lush breasts jiggle as she approaches, still on her knees. I’m so hard it hurts.

“Not at all. This explains quite a lot.” She’s at my feet now, her chin tilted up so she can meet my eyes. Her tawny nipples peek out from the gap in my shirt. Coppery curls frame her angel’s face. “I finally understand, Theo.”

She purses her lips to blow a stream of hot air over my aching erection. My dick jerks. I almost come.


“Mmm…” she hums around my cock, taking the length down her throat, just like the girls in my videos. I forget to be embarrassed. I forget I need a shower. Everything slips away except the juicy warmth of her mouth, the dance of her tongue, the unrelenting suction she applies as she bobs up and down on my shaft.

Oh my God! It’s almost too intense. I close my eyes at first, focusing on the unbelievable sensations. Soon, though, I have to look—it’s just so perfect. Rachel Zelinksy is on her knees! Sucking me like some eager Internet slut. She’s even got her hands clasped behind her back as she leans in to swallow me, as if I’d cuffed her.

Does she know what she’s doing to me? Is this part of her plan? I don’t care. I weave my fingers into her unruly hair and take over, using her mouth to get myself off. Almost immediately, she surrenders. Her lips go slack, stretching to accommodate me, and her jaw relaxes to accept my thrusts. She gags when I push deeper, but when I back off, she follows, burying her nose in my crotch. She wants this. She wants me to fuck her face as if I own her. I’ve never been surer of anything in my life.

That knowledge is the detonator. I shudder and explode, flooding her mouth with cum. Her muscles work around my cock as she swallows, triggering another burst. Poor Rachel tries hard, but she can’t keep up with me. As I pull out, semen spills out between her swollen lips to dribble down her chin. Porn-inspired, I aim my still-spurting dick at her glorious tits, painting them with streaks of white.

When I’m finally finished, I collapse to my knees and take her in my arms, smearing my own chest with cum. “Oh, Rachel…” I don’t know what to say. Thank you? Im sorry? I just kiss her, deep and hard, hoping she’ll understand.


About Lisabet:

LISABET SARAI occasionally tackles other genres, but BDSM will always be her first love. Every one of her nine novels includes some element of power exchange, while her D/s short stories range from mildly kinky to intensely perverse.

You’ll find information and excerpts from all Lisabet’s books on her website (http://www.lisabetsarai.com/books.html), along with more than fifty free stories and lots more. At her blog Beyond Romance (http://lisabetsarai.blogspot.com), she shares her philosophy and her news and hosts lots of other great authors. She’s also on Goodreads and finally, on Twitter.


The Sex Toy Incentive

My husband, Raymond, is a great promoter of my work, and he’s been known to sell a novel or three through his extensive social media contacts, and word of mouth. He’s full of great ideas to gets more attention for my work. One of those ideas resulted in a discussion about teaming up sexy novels with sex toys to enhance the reading experience and encourage further purchases. Raymond is an engineer, a born problem solver, always trying to figure ways to make systems more efficient. He commented that this combination was great for print books, but what about eBooks? In true engineer fashion, he came up with the perfect solution, Kindles with ‘attachments!’ I reckon that would give a whole new meaning to the term Kindle Fire.

Sex toy incentiveMG00625-20140322-1049That got us thinking how many things could be improved with the extra-added incentive of a sex toy. Even a subtle little bullet vibe discretely packaged and slipped into the bags of fast-food take-out meals would make for better sales and vastly improve the quality of the meal. This could be the adult version of a Happy Meal … a Very Happy Meal. It would be a way to burn off those high-cal lunches and have a yummy ‘dessert’ that’s totally calorie-free and releases more endorphins than even good chocolate.

And fast food meals would be just the beginning. Imagine bullet vibes and cock rings instead of wafer thin mints at restaurants. Maybe each restaurant could have its name and info printed on the side, sort of like a calling card that won’t get tossed in the bottom of the bag and forgotten about. It would be a subtle little reminder that good food and good sex go together.

Sex toy incentives in hotel rooms would be even more beneficial – especially on those long, lonely business trips. Forget the ink pen and pad on the nightstand, forget the choccies on the pillow. A little vibe’ll do ya, or a Tenga Egg strategically placed, maybe a vibrating cock ring? Yes, I know a lot of hotels offer discrete access to steamy films, but you have to pay for those. It just seems to me that a little something extra on the night table or on the pillow would be such a nice way of saying, ‘we appreciate your business. Please come again.’

Restaurants and hotel rooms would only be the beginning of the sex-toys incentive program. Once people saw the benefit, I could see it becoming a way to promote better habits in the work place – efficiency being rewarded by a little personal time in the loo with the sex toy of the week. Sounds like the perfect carrot on the end of the stick to me.

From the work place, the sky’s the limits. I think sex toys would be fabulous incentive for negotiating treaties and trade-agreements. Win-win deals would be rewarded by vibes, cock rings and Tenga Eggs all around, then everyone would be off back to the hotel for a nice celebratory wank.

Now I can already imagine people complaining that sex for one would make a partner superfluous. My response to that is what’s fun for one is twice as much fun for two. And after spending time at the fabulous Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium in London drinking pink fizz, listening to steamy stories while totally surrounded by sex toys, I can say that a party with sex toys and fizz would not go unappreciated. I can’t think of a friendlier way to wrap up negotiations.

From sexy novels with vibes to Kindles with attachments to Tenga treaties Fleshlight finance, I think it’s an exciting vision for the future, a happier, more satisfied future all around. I can easily envision these pleasurable incentives as a way to make the world a better place, one sex toy at a time.

(from the archives)


Valentine Yumminess with Sh!

Sh! Sexy image for Valentines day postIt’s always a pleasure to welcome the lovely Renee from Sh! to impart much sexy yumminess to A Hopeful Romantic. And since the day of love and lust is nearly upon us, Renee has some sexy suggestions for fun, frolic and naughtiness on the occasion. Welcome Renee!

Valentine’s Day is coming up and I hope you are all getting in the mood for some seriously hot luuurving! As you can imagine, Valentine’s Day is a massively busy day for us here at Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium and we’ve stocked the store with all sorts of delicious goodies to ensure everyone is fully satisfied.

I’m going to be a little bit daring (coz that’s the kinda gal I am) and suggest that you give flowers and chocolates a miss this year.  (Did I hear a gasp at the back?) Instead, why not delight your lover with something you’ll both enjoy a whole lot more? I have some great suggestions for you, and I think you’ll really like ‘em… *wink*

Sh! Valentines postAdore-Me_medTreat the one you adore to a sexy, memorable night, as you both indulge in deliciously filthy fun and frolics – if you dare, of course… Swedish sex toy designers Lelo have produced these three amazing sets for sensual play and I can’t quite choose which one I love the most!

If your man is partial to a bit of hand action, I would recommend the amazing Tenga Egg ~ I have yet to meet a man who says no to one of these cheeky treats! The soft, stretchy silicone egg, with its lube-up, textured inside, is placed over his manhood and then expertly maneuvered with your dexterous fingers until he’s ready to pop his cork… Juicy!

Does your partner enjoy a lil’ bit of sensual kink every now and again? If so, here’s the perfect gift! The Sh! Heart Sh! Valentines postRocks-Off-S&M_medShaped Spanker comes with lush faux fur for stroking smarting buttocks better after a not-so-gentle paddling…

The Rocks-Off Slap & Tickle Beginners S&M Kit is just adorable – perfect for those who like to fill their boudoir with ultra-feminine play things. It comes with cute cuffs, a silky blindfold, RO-100 bullet vibrator, a soft feather tickler and a cool crop for sassy spankings!

Last, but not least, I have something for *you*! These saucy, strappy knickers will make your gorgeous bum look and feel a million dollars, and who doesn’t want that on the loveliest day of the year! Strut around like the Sex Goddess you are, and then slowly peel them off to reveal his/her real present – you!

Sh! Valentines postMultistrap-2I hope this have given you some ideas for a fun-filled day (and night!). In order to get your lover in the mood too, why not ping off a well-worded sext hinting at your frisky intentions ~ anticipation is soo hot, after all!

Tuesday 12th February
Gents Nite ~ Valentines Special

The Sh! Girlz are on hand during this pre-Valentines Gents Nite to assist with your queries and shopping stresses! Get in the mood for V-day, and browse our selection of some of the finest massage oils, lingerie and, of course, sex toys that London has to offer…

Wednesday 13th February
Ladiez Nite ~ Valentines Special

Stop by Sh! for your last minute Valentines gifts, and enjoy a glass of chilled bubbles to help kick start your celebrations. We even have cupcakes ready for those with more of sweet tooth… There’ll be discounts and special offers in store, so if you buying for someone special, or celebrating being single and fabulous, we’re sure you’ll find something in our cavern of erotic goodies!

Thursday 14th February
Valentines Shopping Special

Sh! Valentines postTwinkly ValentinesDayCupid’s out ‘n’ about, with baskets of goodies just for you! Take your pick from her cheeky goodie bag with every purchase in store…

Enjoy a glass of pink fizz whilst you browse our emporium of sexy delights. Choose from a variety of vibes, or some luscious lingerie… and get your Valentine what they really want this V-day!

Here are the store details if you fancy stopping by the store to have browse at the UK’s best toys for women & their lovers:

Address: Sh! 57 Hoxton Square, London N1 6PB

Opening hours: Monday – Sunday 12-8pm

Men are welcome as guests of women, and for solo-shopping on Gent’s Nights every Tuesday 6-8pm, when the Sh! Girlz are on hand with tea, advice and gift wrapping.



An Interview with Chris Unity Bowness Part 2

Welcome back for the second half of my interview with the amazing Chris Unity Bowness. I had the pleasure of meeting Chris on FaceBook about six months ago, I think it was, and almost immediately I began to scheme getting him onto my site as a guest. After some long conversations and some planning and and talking about how we wanted to approach the interview, I’m very glad to welcome Chris to my site for the second part of our interview celebrating sexuality in relationship. Welcome back, Chris, and thanks for joining me!

KD: Recently I’ve begun a series on my blog called Passionate Partners, discussing how partners not only cope, but play a vital role in the careers of erotic writers, and I know from some of our discussions that your wife plays a very vital role in your work. Could you share just a little bit about that relationship?

Chris: From the very outset of our relationship Caroline was sex positive viewing sex, nudity and exploration as a natural ingrained part of life. Rather than it having to be scheduled, discussed and tiptoed around, the usual awkwardness was taken away with the warm, open and comfortable way our relationship and sex could be discussed.

Chris Bowness UnityThat laid down a very good foundation for our future to be built upon and has created an environment where no sexual debate is out of bounds, whether that be personally in our own relationship or being able to discuss the latest news stories, research or historical aspects of sex.

The way we like to put it is that many relationships have things in common whether it’s the arts, current affairs, religion, politics, celebrities, food. They find common interest and things to debate. Ours just happens to be sex. We are quite happy to start discussions with others too and accept that it might leave some uncomfortable. Having said that, there are a couple of subjects in that previous list that leave me squirming. We’re quite used to the dreaded silence but have learnt that more often than not somebody will be left feeling positive and it’s not uncommon to have them find us later to continue the discussion.

As a mentor I have someone with whom I am able to discuss openly all the subjects surrounding sex. I have someone with whom I can discuss, debate and test out theories. Sometimes those discussions are general, sometimes they may be a specific case. Of course it’s always done with confidentiality. We discuss ideas about what’s going on and ideas to help and support others. This gives me a fantastic environment not only to live in but work in.

Because we promote open two-way communication in relationships people know that Caroline can be just as informative and supportive as I am, so they often ask for her view or tell me to make sure I ask her for her view on the situation so they can get a male and female view of things. Our relationship is very much full-on. Not only do we play together but we also work hard together. We’ve always run our own businesses and been involved with each others. We play to our strengths and weaknesses. That means we have many years of experience dealing with every up and down that could positively and negatively affect relationships.

Finally, what our relationship does is to allow us to explore and experiment with our relationship and sexual pleasures. It allows us to have clear and open discussions about what works and what doesn’t work, or what was enjoyable about it. We are able to step out and look at things in view of what kind of people may enjoy it and why….even if we didn’t. All this hands-on experience puts me in the unique position of being able to pass on our experiences and research to help people not only get the best of their relationships but help them explore their pleasures.

“Nothing risqué, nothing gained.”

Alexander Woollcott

KD: If you could give only one piece of advice, something that you think would benefit everyone in their sexual journey, what would it be?

Chris Bowness Newsletter logoUnity.1

Chris: Communication…Communication…Communication

I know this may sound simple but I really believe a great part of what I want to do includes reminding people of the simple things, getting back to basics, because somehow with the modern busy complicated lives we lead it’s been forgotten.

There are many pieces of advice I could give for individual situations but, bottom line, good and bad they all come down to constant open communication. Whether you’re on day one of your relationship or ten years down the line, my advice is to keep talking and conversing openly and honestly not just about the good experiences, like experimenting and exploring, but also when problems do arise, rather than avoiding issues. People avoid discussing problems and issues that arise because they’re afraid it might break them up, when in reality it’s the anxiety and stress that avoiding the situation puts on a relationship that ultimately breaks a relationship down

It’s been my experience with the people I’ve helped that when you stop communicating with your partner your relationship goes into sort of suspended animation. All your views, ideas and thoughts about your partner or your relationship are based on old experiences. Many people I’ve worked with have ideas or make assumptions on conversations or mind sets formed before they stopped talking.

How often do you talk to your partner? And I mean really talk? …Beyond the bog standard good morning? How many times a day do you actively engage in conversation and really connect with each other?

Furthermore, mobiles and social networking gets a bad rep for breaking relationships up but they can be used for good. Even if you both have busy lives a short even slow lingering conversation and keeping in touch throughout the day can do wonders for your relationship. Taking time out of a lunch break to text or message a partner lets them know you’re thinking of them, and taking time to reply even if it’s later in the day can just help reaffirm that connection between you.

Keeping or rebuilding an open honest line of communication today can do wonders for your relationship. My advice…instead of that lunch time game of angry birds…text your fellow love bird instead.  You may just be surprised how that one message can be a step towards a happier relationship.

“We are all born sexual creatures, thank God, but it’s a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.” ― Marilyn Monroe

KD: Is any one thing you think could happen that would change, for the better, the landscape of how modern culture views sex?

Chris: Without a doubt better education and research.  What has shocked me throughout the years is the lack of options and courses available to people who want to study sex and relationships. It seems there are so many courses out there that pander to our basic needs such as art, food, religion, science, music. I mean you can even get a degree in The Beatles. However, there are no courses that cater purely to sex and relationships. Yes there are courses in which sex or an area of sex is a branch or element of core subject but not the main subject and considering what a massive part sex plays in all our lives it’s a shame.

Not only that, but I truly believe that in order to fully enjoy sex and be able to whole heartedly embrace relationships we must learn to appreciate our pasts. By that I don’t just mean our personal history but I mean an understanding of the evolution of relationships and sex over the ages. This can not only help us understand how we got here but also fully appreciate our futures.

KD: What do you think is the biggest detriment to healthy sexuality Westerners face?

Chris: There are two things that go hand in hand, I feel. They are fear and definition.

I believe fear of discussion, debate and communicating positively about sex comes from how Western society defines people by how, where, who and how many people they enjoy sex with.

I feel the media plays a big part in defining norms and classifying those outside the norms as deviants. This drives society’s idea of what is considered normal. Nobody’s relationship falls into the media’s idea of what’s normal and that only serves to stop people from enjoying sex and openly discussing it.

KD: What do you see as the most hopeful thing about sex in the age of internet and social media?

Chris: The internet and social media can be a force for good when it comes to sex positivity by offering more access to a whole range of people who live and work in sex related industries. Being able to have more connection to the people in those areas whether it be educators, therapists, bloggers, makers of sex toys or writers of erotica – like yourself makes sex and the discussions around it so much more approachable. Furthermore, it gives those with positive views and mindsets about sex the chance to meet other likeminded folk and a chance to talk and to realise that our views and consensual expressions of love and sex are natural; that there are others out there who feel and love the same. The internet and social media enable us not only to share these views openly but exchange ideas on how to improve or experiment with those activities to help improve pleasure.



An Interview with Chris Unity Bowness Part 1

I had the pleasure of meeting Chris on FaceBook about six months ago, I think it was, and almost immediately we began a dialogue with the plan of getting him onto my site as a guest. After some long conversations and some planning and scheming, I’m very glad to welcome Chris to my site for a two-part interview that’s a true celebration of sexuality. Welcome, Chris, and thanks for joining me!

KD: Chris, we first met online in connection with some lovely discussions we had about my writing, which led to discussions of writing in general and a topic near and dear to both of our hearts, the celebration of sexuality. It’s always lovely when someone who has been merely an acquaintance on social media, through some strange quirk becomes a three dimensional person with an amazing story of their own. And that’s what I feel happened with us. Could you share a little bit about what led you to study sexuality.

Chris Bowness UnityChris: Firstly, I’d like to thank you for inviting me onto your blog, it is a great honour, especially from someone I have a lot of admiration for. Secondly, it’s wonderful when you make a connection with someone in these modern times who, before social media and the internet, may have never met…or was it destiny anyway…but that is a debate for another day.

I’ve always had a passion and thirst for knowledge when it comes relationships and sexuality even in my teens I was far more comfortable in the company of female friends discussing the latest articles in magazines like Cosmopolitan rather than in the stereotypical male domains. Also in those pre-internet times there were programmes like Sexcetera and The Good Sex Guide to name but two which just oozed not only sex positivity but also exploring pleasure within relationships.

After college, two of these friends started running Ann Summers parties and they not only kept telling me how I’d be good at them but also asking me how to give advice to customers. It was quickly after, though, I found out that men weren’t allowed to attend a party let alone run a party business I realised how I’d have to make my own way. Sure there are many jobs behind the scenes of places like this but I wanted a more frontline hands-on approach.

Since then there has been a long evolution to where I am today, happy not only with all the ups and downs that got me here but also how I now see myself fitting into this sector; what I want to provide, but also I have a clear idea going forward of how I want to deliver it

KD: From your own research, why do you think honest, truthful information about sex, especially in the information age, is so hard to come by?

Chris: When I started researching how I could fit into this area there were two main seeds that were planted in my mind. The first one came a number of years ago when I read an article that said that the main reason cited on divorce papers was lack of sex and intimacy and sex and the correlation between, not only the breakdown in communication within those relationships but also the breakdown in communication in society, not only about sex but the discussion of issues surrounding sex and intimacy.

This led me to the second seed being planted, I started researching how and where people could glean information and advice about solving problems of an intimate and sexual nature. This broke down into three areas ‘Googling’, websites, forums.

Firstly, searching the web I feel is bad enough when you’re ill and want to know if it’s serious enough to bother a doctor with. The ‘I’ll just Google’ approach can not only be quite contradictory but also sometimes prove dangerous for many reasons. I feel the same goes for relationship and sex issues. Searching a term like ‘Why has my partner gone off sex?’ can bring contradiction, confusion, and the whole range of results. But also, even in this information age, people still worry about searching for what would be deemed sexually explicit terms and the results that might bring.

Then came websites and blogs. There are very great informative websites out there – ones I have recommended articles from to people myself. However this is still very much a one-way form of communication with no accessible long term support.

This led me to forums. From mums forums, parenting forums, women’s forums and relationship and sex forums — all of them are flooded with people crying out for positive information about relationship and sexual subjects. I often found the responses to these from other forum users – often contradicting each other – frequently brought anxiety and stress to the original poster.

What I garnered from my research is that people wanted long term support and guidance through a range of relationship and sex subjects available to access whenever they wanted.

I know that there are many different types of relationships and I believe along with that everybody’s relationship is unique, like a fingerprint of intimacy. And while many places provide great advice templates to help introduce new things or solve issues, there seems to be a miscorrelation between that template and how people go about implementing it into their situation.

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and  betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds;  it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

~Anaïs Nin

Chris Bowness Newsletter logoUnity.1

KD: Could you explain to our readers what you see as the difference between a sex therapist and a mentor?

Chris: In searching for my place within the relationship and sex support area I realised just how many facets there were to it. There were not just therapists but also coaches and teachers who provided lessons in things like tantric sex or BDSM but also many more being areas being created. Only recently I read about learning intimacy through a sex surrogate. The counseling end of the spectrum felt like the last chance critical point of the relationship. As someone put it to me, ‘how could I go to a therapist and pay all that money just to find out how I can give my husband a good spanking!’

However, none of them really felt like they fitted for me. I generally have an issue over labels and stereotyping, anyway. I want to provide a more humanistic personal one-to-one approach almost a one stop shop for sex and relationship advice, providing on-going support or giving information that could be useful at the time or help prevent future problems — an MOT for relationships if you will. I wanted to provide a more humanistic personal one-to-one approach towards not just support and advice for problematic things but also the fun things people want to work on too.

It was then in an unrelated way I came across the definition of mentoring, and over time I have developed my own definition for relationship and sex mentoring:

“Mentoring is about a relationship approach to providing an ongoing and sustained level of knowledge and support in relation to improving the recipient’s personal, relationship or sexual development; through various forms of informal communication most usually – but not limited to – face-to-face; as well as providing answers to occasional questions and ad hoc help. It also goes deeper to providing a long-term relationship of learning, support, advice, dialogue and challenge.”

There is often an idea based around knowledge and development, about the planting of seeds. I also believe when it comes to relationship and sex development the ground you plant those seeds in has to be ready, prepared and happy to receive such seeds. I have often found that planting seeds by the positive promotion of sex and relationships messages is enough to make me available to those people who are quite often looking for help.

KD: What role did reviewing sex toys play in the journey you’ve made to mentoring?

Chris: We chanced upon a call in a now defunked  magazine asking for couples to review a range of adult products for a regular feature. When the opportunity fell through we started to email adult retailers looking for an opportunity to review items in return for free products. Not only did this bring a lot of fun into our lives but it also allowed us to provide clear concise knowledge to others not only on what’s best to spend their hard earned cash on in the bedroom but also advice on how to introduce and have fun with these products.

In these modern times, in these post 50 Shades times, there are still limited places you can go and actually get your hands on sex toys, see them for yourself, what they really look like and feel like and what they do – don’t you think that’s strange?  This helps bring a positivity to sex by adding things which help explore pleasure. That allows us to help others choose such products.

Finally somebody took a chance on allowing us to dip our toes into the review pool of pleasure devices. Now we are regular guinea pigs for a couple of websites and the developers of sex toys and other adult products. This gave me the motivation to begin looking at how I could be a part of this fabulous industry. Hopefully we can dispel that myth that suggests the use of sex toys is out of boredom or a failing relationship and get people thinking that this kind of exploration can help create a long term, healthy, passionate relationship.

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© 2016 K D Grace
The Romance Reviews

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