Tag Archives: self-help

Virtually Aroused — Is It Enough?

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For Superbowl Sunday, some churches in the US are designating today Porn Sunday, and many will be showing a video sermon with NFL players talking about how porn has messed up their lives. Questions involving porn addiction are common among the agony aunts these days, often involving the porn addiction of a lover and the resulting lack of sex in the relationship.Wednesday night on Ch 4’s series, ‘The Joy of Teen Sex,’ teen journalist, Billie J D Porter, discussed with her peers and with a psychologist, the implications of technology in teen sex, including chat rooms and porn addictions.

Sex demands something of the participants. Granted the returns are not always equal and there are always risks, sometimes terrible risks – emotionally and physically. I’ve always said that erotica is the ultimate safe sex, but even the reading of an erotic story is a two-way exchange demanding something of the reader. But I wonder if maybe the real problem with virtual sex and having porn so readily available online is that the sex provided is TOO safe, hermetically sealed sex, sex without the Other.  

I’m the first to say ‘yay’ to sex for one. I think masturbation is the cornerstone of healthy a sex life and everyone deserves a little self pleasure. But when sex for one is once-removed through the power of technology, and we’re left with sex that demands nothing of us other than showing up in front of the monitor, sex itself is declawed, disempowered, bloodless.  Even in more participatory situations, like chat rooms, the virtual world is by its very nature a closed environment where sex occurs in isolation. No one gets hurt, no one gets dirty, no one has to engage with the wet ware and the messiness that goes along with it.  

When sex is no risk, no mess, no fuss, then the urge for more and more can hardly come as a surprise, nor can the blurring of the lines between the real and the virtual. We’re beings of flesh and blood. Reality is the mess of it all we live in. But the mess doesn’t come without its fringe benefits, rough and tumble, primal body benefits that make us human, make us connected to ourselves and to each other. I can’t help but feel that by taking the flesh and blood, brain and brawn mess out of sex, virtual reality has made sex too predictable, too safe to ever possibly be enough for our true animal nature, and our large, needy brains. We were never intended to be sexual couch potatoes, and more will never be enough unless at least some of it is real.

Foreplay with Holly!

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It’s never any big surprise these days when good stuff gets banned from Facebook. The fabulous Sarah Berry was the victim of yesterday’s banning — twice. Facebook banned her post about the next meeting of the great women’s self-help, discussion, and just all around ‘proud to be a female’ group, Fannying Around, which Sarah facilitates once a month at Sh! Women’s Store. If that wasn’t enough, Sarah’s Facebook avatar was also banned. Her Avatar is usually the cover of the latest edition of Foreplay Magazine, of which she is the feisty, intrepid, and outrageously sexy, editor. As it happens the banned cover is the cover of this month’s issue which contains an XXXtract from my novel, The Initiation of Ms Holly. I feel very proud to have Holly behind that delicious, yellow, Facebook-banned. Foreplay cover.

Here’s just a little teaser if what’s inside:

 What if Edward was just the gang leader, like some kind of mafia boss, and what if she never saw the light of day again? She’d heard all kinds of rumors about the mysterious Mount. Where the hell was her sense of self preservation? Was her wounded pride worth her going along with this insanity – insanity that might be very dangerous?

 She was seriously contemplating yanking off the blindfold and making a run for it when the door burst open and Edward called her name. Suddenly she was engulfed in his arms and her mouth was consumed with his kisses. He pulled away just enough to speak, his breath coming in fast, tense gulps against her parted lips. ‘Are you all right, Rita?’

 Amazon.co.uk

Amazon.com

 Xcite Books

Abstinence, and Why Men Watch Porn

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Last week there was a programme on Channel One called ‘Why Men Watch Porn.’ The short answer, as one reviewer put it, is to have a wank. No surprise there. But there was one conclusion that I found very interesting. In a survey of a thousand men in the UK, the ones who seemed to watch and enjoy porn most were the ones who were most creative and most empathetic. I’m not sure how the researchers went about testing creativity or empathy or what actually led to the conclusion, but it made perfect sense to me once I’d thought about it.

 Porn isn’t exactly known for its creativity nor for its empathetic characters. Perhaps that’s exactly why it appeals to the creative and the empathetic. It serves as a template. The watcher fills in the blanks. However, if a person isn’t good at letting the imagination take control to put him in a similar situation, but one more personally arousing, then porn remains just a template and isn’t all that interesting.

 In a totally unrelated study, the American Psychology Association’s Journal of Family Psychology reports that couples who abstain from sex before marriage report having better relationships. According to the study, couples who have sex early in their relationship often confuse lust and the emotions associated with it for a genuine personal connection. Some people claim they feel it’s important to have sex with a person right away to make sure they are compatible. But having good sex is a learnable skill, something couples can work on together. Having nothing in common, however, means no place to start.

 Which brings me back to watching porn, possibly as a coping mechanism, for both men and women, during the period of abstinence before marriage to help insure a better relationship? Of course there’s always high quality erotica to fill that niche:)

Fannying Around Equals Woman Power

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I had the pleasure of attending the first meeting of the share and self-help group, Fannying Around at Sh! Portobello Thursday night. Fannying Around is the brain child of the indomitable Sarah Berry, editor of Foreplay Magazine, and all around fabulous chick. There were a dozen of us in attendance, all from varying walks of life, all bringing our various issues and personal relationships with our own fannies to the group.

It didn’t take much wine, or much prodding from Sarah before one thing became obvious; we women want to talk about our fannies and our sexuality. As we all laughed and shared, it also became obvious that we all remembered times in our lives when we felt alone, when we felt it wasn’t safe to share, when we kept our feelings,our questions and our thoughts about our sexuality to ourselves.

I found myself thinking about the ancient tale that rears its head in multiple forms, but the two most memorable are The Wife of Bath’s Tale in The Canterbury Tales, and The Wedding of Sir Gawain and Dame Ragnell. In both stories a knight is forced to marry a hideous hag. On their wedding night, the hag offers her bridegroom the choice to have her lovely in the marriage bed for his eyes only and hideous during the day, or to have her lovely during the daytime for the eyes of the world while reverting to a hag at night. In both tales the knight leaves the choice to his bride. Because he gives her the choice, she rewards him by always being beautiful. When I first read these stories, I remember thinking how interesting it was that the true beauty of a woman comes through when she has a voice, when she gets to choose. There’s nothing beautiful about victim-hood nor about being powerless. And when our voices are not heard, we are powerless.

Thursday night, the basement of Sh! was electric when female power, with female voices sharing and being heard and affirmed by each other. And the beauty was as evident as the power. Afterward, a good group of us took all that beauty and all that power right on over to the local pub and continued on.

The Fannying Around group will meet once a month starting in January. I plan to be a regular. I love being around powerful, vocal, beautiful women.

More on Sexuality, Spirituality and Creativity with Dr Dick

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Be sure to catch Part two of Dr Dick’s interview with me on his fabulous series, The Erotic Mind. Dr Dick tells me that the first half of our our interview was a big hit, and tons of people downloaded to hear us talk about the creative process and healing the rift between sexuality and spirituality. If you missed it, tune in, catch up, and find out why so many people are having a listen.

Dr Dick is a Clinical Sexologist in private practice in Seattle. He has been a practitioner of Sex Therapy and Relationship Counseling for 30 years. He believes in affirming the fundamental goodness of sexuality in human life, both as a personal need and as an interpersonal bond. Plus he’s an all-around great bloke!